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Gustave: A | Grade It Now!
Coup The Bitch is back! Long may she reign!

OK, yet another bizarre sexless coupling. Brooke and Jamie, that college guy she met at the party, wake up together in his dorm room. It's not what you think. They fell asleep on his couch watching Conan O'Brien. With their clothes on. No wait, it is what you think. What is up with everyone on this show forgetting to have sex? I'm not trying to imply anything here, but it's really creepy how the heterosexuals on this show go out and stuff but no one seems to ever really want to have sex -- or even fool around in a big way. Brooke's bed head is really becoming though.

Brooke is all, "My Dad is going to freak!" Jamie tells her to just call her dad and tell him the truth -- one of those really good sensible ideas that rarely occur to the regular characters on this show. Brooke phones home. Sam answers. Her hair is nice -- bouncy and unfussy -- and she's wearing a white baseball jersey with kelley green sleeves, which is fine. But there's this thick coating of lilac iridescent eye shadow that totally ruins everything. She looks like she should be in one of those barely legal photo spreads where they dress some girl in her twenties up in something a normal teen girl should wear -- unicorn sweatshirt, pig tails, overalls -- but then they do her makeup like she's the mother of the bride in a Mafia wedding. What is up with that? Are they piling on the greasepaint in order to hide the fact that the girls are indeed legal and have been for many years or is the makeup intended to make the girl look older so these men who enjoy this sort of thing don't feel like total perverts? Sam wants to know why Brooke is calling her from inside the house. Since this indicates to Brooke that no one's noticed she stayed out overnight, she asks Sam to cover for her and make it look like she left for school early. "Just think of something," she says. Sam starts to tease Brooke about how in love with Jamie she is. She hangs up on her when Va-Jane-Ah enters, asking Sam where Brooke is this morning. Sam, off the top of her head, invents a special cheerleading practice for Brooke. "I didn't know that the Glamazons practiced in the morning," says Va-Jane-Ah. "Because they don't," says a disembodied male voice. It's Mike. He enters holding up Brooke's Glamazon uniform. I'm trying really hard not to think about what Mike is doing rummaging through Brooke's empty bedroom at eight in the morning while he thinks she's at school. "Start talking, Sam," says Mike. Okay, from the promos you'd think that this is the main plot and that Mary Cherry and/or Nicole were going to round out the episode with a frivolous but sort of half-assed subplot as they've been doing all season. Actually, this Brooke and Jamie thing is the subplot this week. And Nicole is the main plot. And she rocks.

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