A grade-school classroom. A bunch of little children are being sexually abused by their teachers and indoctrinated into a satanic cult. One teacher is cutting the ears off of a bunny in order to show the children what will happen to them if they tell their parents about the ritual sacrifices. It's awful. All of the kids are crying and vomiting all over themselves and the principal takes out a . . .

I'm sorry, I was just trying to sugarcoat tonight's episode but then I just realized that is my moral duty as an MBTV recapper to report the facts as I see them no matter how gruesome and disturbing they are. Here's what really happened to those kids: Lily is their guest speaker. She's giving a presentation on the evils of wearing fur. While wearing a white fur, she gives a dramatic reading. "I am a dirty, filthy fur wearer. I am a teen Cruella DeVille and I am gonna pay!" One of the tots is encouraged to spray a big red "M" on the back of Lily's fur. One little girls asks what the "M" stands for. Lily explains that the M stands for murder. "Gotta reach them while they're young," says Lily, winking at the ethnic-OK (tm Xixax) teacher. Ethnic-OK teacher winks back and tells the kids to say goodbye to Lily, and to wish her luck on her journey to Washington to pick up an award for "teen activist of the year." If Lily's teen activism award is being given to her by a right-wing organization who chose her because she did more this year to make liberals ashamed of themselves, then she definitely deserved it. The kids have questions for her. "Lily, what are the qualifications to become a bad-ass animal rights lady like yourself?" says Keisha, a sweet girl whose chubby-cheeked cuteness belies the fact that she has just been psychologically scarred for the rest of her life. "Be very tough and obnoxiously strident," advises Lily. "That is the only way to make it as an activist." Lily then proceeds to tell a story via flashback about how she was trying to save a lobster from being killed. Now I know what you, my readers, are thinking: "Gustave, I don't think I can handle anymore of this. Would you please skip tonight's recap and instead give us a meticulous and thorough description of the elective surgery that Lara Flynn Boyle had done to a certain part of her body last week, because I'm trying to keep this tuna sandwich I had for lunch from ending up all over my keyboard." I'm really sorry, people, I have to tell it like it is. If I'd wanted an easy assignment, I'd still be writing erotica for that amputee porn magazine.