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Episode Report Card
Gustave: C+ | 704 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Screaming Queens!

Lunch in the extras-filled cafeteria that’s actually more of a set than those pathetic backdrops from last week. Sugar Daddy and Josh wonder how Harrison is and why he went to a place like Yemen for spring break. “Who knows,” says Carmen. “But I hope he had a better spring break than we did.” April Tuna enters and confronts the table full of Browns and Blondes, demanding to know where they went for spring break since she, bitter April, wouldn’t know about such a luxury. Her hair has gotten a tiny bit longer since the "Coup" episode, but she’s got it pulled back, except for her bangs, which flip up, looking as though they’d been rolled up the previous night in a gigantic hair curler. It’s a truly ugly hairstyle that’s just perfect for April. At the mention of spring break, everyone looks really uncomfortable. Finally, Lily, who can’t stand keeping secrets, tells April Tuna via a flashback that they cancelled their trip to MTV’s Spring Break Blow Out because the airline they were booked on, Plummet Air, didn’t seem safe enough. Josh suggested that they split up and “get our Spring Break on individually” while their parents thought they were all in Cancun. Now that April knows their “secret,” Nicole wants to make sure they can trust her with that potentially damaging information. “Your secret’s safe with me,” says April. “Let’s just hope no one goes nuts from being in captivity and tries to kill someone!” Okay, that was the big secret? Whatever.

Later that evening, the girls get ready for bed in the Novak. “Y’all?” says Mary Cherry, wearing pajamas with diamond rings on them. “Someone’s gone nuts and tried ta kill me!” Lily, who wears a cheongsam and sweat pants to bed -- 'cause she’s all non-Western -- tells Mary Cherry that she just has an overactive imagination. Not only are they trying to kill her, insists Mary Cherry while putting lotion on her neck, but they know about their alternative spring break adventures. Brooke, wearing petal-pink pajamas, asks Mary Cherry how she knew the killer knew about their actual spring break destination. “He had proof of my silent shame,” says Mary Cherry. “Explain,” says Nicole. Mary Cherry recounts via flashback trying out for a horror flick called Booze Cock Monster, which is directed by Godfrey. So nice to have Godfrey back. He’s looking fine in his seedy director gear, too. On the set, which consists of a pink chaise and a really gay frilly lamp against a plywood interior, he explains to Mary Cherry, while stroking her knee, that the movie is an exploitation flick about a rooster that drinks radioactive absinthe and becomes a monster. “I’d do anything to be a scream queen…anything!” says Mary Cherry, removing her tomato red fun fur to reveal a lace bustier and groping him right back. But in this hilariously methodical way, like she doesn’t even know what she’s saying. Godfrey calls places. Mary Cherry reclines on a chaise and tries to scream like a “horny teen virgin” while a guy in a chicken costume sort of pecks at her. From behind the camera, Godfrey keeps yelling out, “Who’s your daddy!” Mary Cherry thinks she’s being fed a line so she starts screaming, “Who’s your daddy!” until Godfrey tells her to stop it. “Needless to say,” says Mary Cherry, back in the present, “I didn’t get the part I coveted.” Carmen, wearing Hello Kitty pajamas, accuses Mary Cherry of making it all up. Mary Cherry offers the picture as proof, but the other girls are still unconvinced. They all leave Mary Cherry alone in the Novak to go sleep on cots in the gym. Ominous music plays, and Mary Cherry announces gravely to herself in the mirror, “Somebody is going to die tonight.” And then, on a dime, she applies some lip gloss delicately to her lower lip.

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