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I Know What You Did Last Spring Break!

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Screaming Queens!
An unseen hand opens a notebook in which the words “I know what you did last spring break” are written on the first page. Drops of blood fall on the page, and a reverse shot indicates that Harrison is the notebook’s owner. He is sitting in Chem’s class, and he has a nose bleed. I don’t know about you all, but every time someone got a nosebleed at my high school, it was because they were on Accutane, the prescription acne medicine. When Accutane hit the market in 1984, there were all these people with bad skin whose faces cleared up all of a sudden but started having spontaneous nosebleeds in class. Unfortunately, there are no Accutane jokes during this episode, or any mention of such a phenomenon. Do the kids even take Accutane anymore? All of a sudden I’m starting to feel old, because I remember the days when dermatologists only prescribed tetracycline for acne and how exciting it was to have a brave new drug to try. Anyway, Sam enters the classroom. She’s finally found a nice simple hairstyle. It’s pulled back into a ponytail on the top of her head. From there it flares out in these spikes so she looks a bit like an onion, but still, it’s such an improvement. She takes a seat, giving Harrison a searching friendly look. Harrison gives her the stink-eye in return.

The bell rings. Chem enters the classroom and welcomes the kids back from spring break. “In my day,” says Chem, “we went with Frankie and Annette to Fort Lauderdale. Now your generation seems to go straight to promiscuity.” Funny she should mention Frankie, since Frankie Avalon was just a guest star on the Sabrina episode that just ended a moment ago. I wouldn’t normally mention it, but since last week there was a Popstars reference right as Face Time was having Eden’s Crush as guest stars, I’m getting the feeling that someone at the WB is encouraging synergy or shout-outs between the shows -- kind of how Tina Brown used to make all the stories in Vanity Fair refer to each other. She gives them a pop quiz “essay-style.” Everybody has to write down where they went for spring break and how many people they were intimate with so she can “judge” them all. Because, I guess, taking a non-prurient interest in the sex lives of minors placed in your care by the state is wacky and funny…and not a form of sexual harassment at all. Like a flock of sheep, the class actually writes down their answers. A look of fear passes over Mary Cherry’s face, and Nicole pauses for a moment to count her lovers on her fingers. Like, no one ever thought of lying? Although everyone else places their hands over their answers for privacy -- even the viewers can’t see them -- Harrison's answer is shown clearly. He was in Yemen and intimate with one person. Yemen? Harrison’s no longer a virgin? Where is this going? Furthermore, I keep waiting for someone like Lily to object to this invasion of privacy, but she doesn’t make a peep. What is with her? Last week she ignored the classist implications of the SAT by being unusually complicit toward a hierarchical system, and now this? I’m disappointed.

Later, at Harrison’s locker, Sam comes up behind him, saying, “Hello stranger.” She points out that they haven’t spoken for a month, and that she misses him. Harrison tells her to “make like an egg and scramble.” Whatever that means. I thought the proper saying was “make like an egg and beat it.” Or maybe that was the point of the joke? Sam tells him to stop being childish. They’ve been friends for years and they are going to have to “salvage” their relationship. Harrison tells her she’s on her own, and she should go be with her boyfriend George. Sam keeps trying to break through to him, but their conversation is interrupted by Chem and an officious-looking blonde woman in a suit. They are both wearing those aqua-colored face masks to prevent the spread of germs. Apparently, Harrison has picked up Rift Valley Fever in Yemen. Nosebleeds are the first symptom and Chem, upon seeing Harrison’s pop quiz in which he mentioned being in Yemen, notified the CDC, who sent the officious blonde woman. She introduces himself as Dr. Jeanne Salk. Hee hee, geddit? Jonas Salk created the polio vaccine? CDC? A little “Great Biologists of the Twentieth Century” humor? Anyway, they cuff Sam and Harrison and take them in to be quarantined. Harrison tries to explain that his nosebleeds were a result of dryness caused by the central air system at school. “He’s hallucinating,” says Chem to Dr. Salk. “Step two of the deadly fever,” says Dr. Salk, who orders a lockdown of Kennedy High to contain the disease. The thing that doesn’t make sense is that, if Chem and Dr. Salk are in contact with Sam and Harrison, shouldn’t they be quarantined too? I mean, obviously it’s airborne if they think Sam got it from just talking to Harrison. Not to mention the fact that those face masks do nada. Whatever. It’s Popular.

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