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I Know What You Did Last Spring Break!

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Screaming Queens!

The Novak. Nicole and Brooke have put on filmy peignoir sets. Did the Red Cross just have those on hand, or did someone’s parent bring them? They put on make-up and discuss their plan to look “vulnerable and kill-worthy” so that the real killer will strike and be caught. They loll about on the Novak tuffet for a while before Brooke gets tired of the whole thing and decides to go study for her finals. She doesn’t believe there’s a killer, just someone playing a prank for attention. Nicole is having fun with the whole “vulnerable whore thing,” so she stays.

Back in Harrison and Sam’s Petri-Dish Of Lethal Bacteria, Sam is horrified by her behavior in front of George. Harrison points out to her that it’s not wrong because they belong together. Sam doesn’t agree, so Harrison goes crazy and puts a chair through the glass in the door. “You’re free,” says Harrison. “Go infect George like you’ve infected me with your indecision and your fear.” Oh God, did someone actually write that line with a straight face? Sam leaves the quarantine room. The killer watches her through his mask.

Lily, Carmen, and Mary Cherry enter the Novak, wondering what’s taking so long, as Nicole is still lying unmolested on the tuffet. “Wait,” says Carmen. “In horror films, don’t they always go for the virgins?” Actually, they don’t. It’s always the sexually active teens who get it first. Nevertheless, they decide to put Lily on the tuffet instead. For some reason, she takes Josh with her so they can make out -- thus ruining that whole “virgin” image that was supposed to attract the killer in the first place. After a while, the Novak door swings open, and we see a pair of fuzzy purple-slippered feet enter. A knife is raised. The gang sweeps in to to find April Tuna about to kill Josh and Lily. After an interrogation, they find out that the knife is rubber and April was just looking for some attention. “Wait,” says Lily. “So if April isn’t the killer, then…” Josh interrupts her. “Then the killer is roaming the halls!”

They cut to Chem, who is roaming the halls. Her cell phone rings. “Hello Clarisse,” says the killer, who appears right behind her.

They cut to a commercial and another segment of Face Time. James Van Der Beek is the guest and is taking questions from the audience. Unfortunately, I’m not in the studio audience, or I’d be asking about those rumors and him and the Flash getting it on. But he does tell the studio audience that the person he’d most like to meet, living or dead, would be Paul Newman -- interesting -- and that deep inside, Dawson is still in love with Joey.

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