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Promblems

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"Who's your daddy" isn't necessarily a rhetorical question

Casa Ford-Esposito. They're moving into their first apartment, and already you know it's a mistake. They have wood paneling like in those Calvin Klein kiddie-porn ads. Josh doesn't know what to do with his ant farm because his mommy took care of all that. Lily is acting like a shrew, telling him to grow up because he's not living at home anymore. Apparently, Lily didn't know that Josh had two gekkos named Britney and Christina. She shrieks when he brings them out to meet her, and tells Josh that she's not going to be the one to feed them. "Are you on your period?" asks Josh. Lily answers in the negative. Josh is all, "Good," and asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Lily isn't into it, and even I can't really blame her for not being in the mood because while this scene is dumb, it's also kinda creepy. But Lily's excuse for not wanting to have sex is because they have twin beds. It's impossible to have sex on a twin bed? Oh, that must be why no one at my college had sex -- because we were all given twin beds to sleep on in the dorms. Lily? It's not like you need all sorts of bed width when you get on top of each other, 'kay? Josh suggests that they move the beds together, but before Lily can think of another excuse, Chem comes downstairs and tells them that their beds have to be kept separated. Okay, again, why aren't I invited to sit in on these writers' meetings? I can't believe that no one thought to have a big old shout-out here to Flowers in the Attic by VC Andrews, and have Lily and Josh be Chris and Cathy, the incestuous twins, with Chem as the grandmother who makes them read the Bible, cuts Cathy's hair off for being indecent, and feeds them doughnuts dipped in arsenic. I mean, if Lily and Josh are going to be trapped in a sick marriage, at least make it sick in a cinematic kind of way. Popular once referenced Whatever Happened to Baby Jane -- why can't they reference Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Anyway, it appears that Lily and Josh unknowingly signed an agreement with Chem to do work around the house as part of the rental contract -- 'cause Chem is wacky like that.

The cafeteria. As Sam, Brooke, and Harrison sit at a table together, eagerly awaiting their three-way date, Nicole sits with George on the other side of the room. She informs George that Sam is going to the prom with Brooke and Harrison, and George gets upset. Having George right where she wants him, Nicole puts the idea in George's head to go to the prom with her in order to upset Sam. "But I know that's something you wouldn't want to do because it's so small and petty," she says innocently. George falls right into Nicole's trap and asks her to the prom. She accepts.

You know, I had dreams that the series finale was going to have Nicole do something spectacular and over the top. One of my fantasies was inspired by the pathetic rumor that Tammy Lynn Michaels hooked up with Melissa Etheridge. I had this great image of the character Nicole dating Melissa Etheridge, who plays herself. They run into each other at a health food store and Melissa, the aging rocker, is bewitched by this sweet young thing who seems so innocent. Nicole makes her feel alive again, like a grrrl rocker. What she doesn't realize is that Nicole is playing her. Charging up a storm on her credit cards at Prada and having a little side action going with her male personal trainer. Melissa's friends try to warn her about her new high-school-aged girlfriend and what she's really all about, but Melissa is in deep denial. "Nicole loves me! You're all just jealous of what we have!" she says weeping into a pillow from ABC Carpet. Soon all her friends find themselves shut out of the ever narrowing circle of Melissa Etheridge and Nicole's trusted pals: Meg Ryan, Helen Hunt, Brad Pitt, and Jennifer Aniston get the boot. One day even David Crosby, her baby's sperm donor, starts getting nothing but the machine.

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