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Queen B.

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Queen B.

At the Browns’ table, Carmen crows over her nomination. Little Big Head (whose head is seeming less and less large these days, much to my consternation) asks Carmen what it felt like to hear her name on the intercom. Carmen is taking it all very seriously, and describes it in lurid detail. Of course, Sam goes and rains all over Carmen’s parade like the big bag of downers that she is, telling her that she has no chance of winning against Brooke. Snit, snit, snit, Carmen snits away. The Browns feel badly about the snit, but agree that Carmen, indeed, has no chance. As do I. Because she’s fat. Fat as a pregnant elephant rolling in a bucket of lard and bacon grease. Remember?

Ohh, parents can be so cruel. Jane and Mike are forcing the girls to sit through a slide show of family photos, so they can "share each other’s family histories." That is such a bad idea, guys. Really. The girls exchange snarky words, Sam sees a picture of Brooke being sick, and, ooops! Someone seems to have loaded the slide carousel with pictures of Jane and her late husband, a.k.a. Sam’s dad. I wonder what mischievous little sprite did that? Now nobody is happy, and the evening ends badly. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, family slide shows are a terrible idea. Always. Brooke tries to lighten the mood by announcing her Homecoming Queen nomination. Mike and Jane coo over her, and Jane totally overcompensates for Sam the Asshole by gushing about how fun it will be to make posters together, and go to the game together. Um, right, Jane. High school football is about as fun as oral surgery. ["So is watching your mother fawn over her boyfriend’s daughter. I’m beginning to see where Sam inherits her cloddishness from." -- Sars] Sam clumsily backs out of the family fun by declaring herself Carmen’s campaign manager. *Sigh.*

This Clean ‘n’ Clear commercial grosses me out. Way out. The last thing I want to see is that poorly-pigmented loser waving around a grease-soaked tissue during my prime-time experience. Ugh.

Okay, back to the show. Yummy black-and-white Miss America pageant footage, then cut to the two freakiest girls in the entire world, April and May Tuna. My heart is pounding. I love them. May is eating dirt out of a Tupperware, while the two of them concur that the Chess Club will be voting for Brooke because it just seems right. Carmen, oblivious to the heavy hand of fate that is waiting to bitch-slap her, pins up crappy campaign posters. Sam insults them, then volunteers to help Carmen out by managing her campaign. Carmen tells her to take a fast taxi to Hell, and then tells her that she’s turned into a major drag. Go, Carmen! Sam’s eyebrows look as if they are made of clay. Just had to mention it. Carmen changes her mind, and agrees to take Sam back on two conditions: no dirty campaigning and no negativity. Sam agrees. Sniff, sniff, sniff ­- I think I smell Foreshadowing’s heady cologne. That handsome devil is always lurking around, teasing me with hints of what’s to come. In the spirit of not campaigning dirty, Sam whips out the photo of Brooke being sick, and shows it to Carmen. They caw, Sam puts it back into her notebook, the Browns walk away. BUT somehow the photograph slips out and falls to the floor, to be snatched up by an unknown hand. Bum-bum-BUM!

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