Queen B.

Episode Report Card
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Queen B.

In the Kim Novak ladies’ lounge, Lady Teenage Soul gives Poppy a very stern lecture about minority representation, chastising her for keeping a low profile during the race. Rousing, peppy, motivational ­- that’s what Lady T is. Poppy agrees that minorities are underrepresented, and quirks an eyebrow as if she’s thinking. Or something.

Meanwhile, Brooke and Smug Bitch sit . . . somewhere . . . study hall? Cafeteria again? Somewhere. Brooke accuses Smug Bitch of rigging the nominations. SB denies it and Brooke believes her, thus proving Brooke as stupid as a bag of hammers tucked inside a bag of old shoes. They watch Sam schmooze the Chess Club, and discuss the significance of the CC in the race. Apparently, the CC is to the Homecoming race as New Hampshire is to the Presidential elections. The two Blondes watch in horror as April and May make noises like animals while they eat their snacks.

Uh-oh. Mere moments later, Poppy tries to tell Smug Bitch that she’s not really going to run against Brooke, even though there might be rumors to that effect (note: she’s lying to SB. Just in case you didn’t get it). But SB is mean to little Poppy, prompting Poppy to get all saucy on SB, declaring her intentions as a woman of color and a condiment. Not to mention candidate for Homecoming Queen. Lady T walks up, Poppy says something to her in . . . another language that I am just not hip enough to recognize (hey, what can I say? I’m old) and the two African Queens snit stylishly away. SB looks deeply confused, but very pretty in that shade of red lip gloss.

After that tense exchange with the mutinous Poppy, Smug Bitch understandably needs to take a leak, and heads straight to the Kim Novak ladies’ lounge. There she finds, not solace, but another mutinous Blonde. That’s right: Mary Cherry, in a simply hideous blue evening gown, courtesy of Bob Mackie. Bob Mackie should be tarred and feathered for the fashion crimes he has committed. Mary Cherry, bless her Texas heart, is standing in front of the mirror, practicing her pageant wave (you know, that one from the wrist). Anyway, SB has had quite enough of this nonsense and orders Mary Cherry to "march right down to the principal’s office and withdraw from this race." BAM! The bathroom stall swings open and out comes Cherry Cherry (nothing says "high class" like making your entrance from a crapper stall, eh, Delta?) in a full-length pink fur coat. Ennio Morricone-esque showdown music cranks up, and Cherry Cherry and Smug Bitch swap a few words. The upshot is that Cherry Cherry is throwing a whole bunch of money at this thing, and that Brooke McQueen better watch out. The two Cherrys snit away, with Mary Cherry making little faces at Smug Bitch. Unable to pee after this latest development, Smug Bitch also leaves the girls’ room in a snit.

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