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Queen B.

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Amorgan: C- | Grade It Now!
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Queen B.

But, oh! What else can go wrong on this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day for Smug Bitch? Well, I’ll tell ya. She can walk out of the bathroom, too tense to pee, after two confrontations with her unruly foot soldiers, only to discover that the halls of Kennedy High have been plastered with tinsel and flashing signs, plus full-size glossy posters of Mary Cherry leering from every corner. Bummer, eh? I guess there’s nothing to do but have a campaign war. Wacky fast-forward action ensues, all the contestants putting up posters, then that nutty MC (still in her abominable dress) running around and scribbling in armpit hair and beards on the other contestants’ posters with a black magic marker. Hee. Poppy’s got a piñata at her table, but Mary Cherry is giving away a new car! Oh, yeah. "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge blares throughout, adding to the kooky carnival atmosphere.

And cut to my favorite folks, the highly esteemed and deeply freaky members of the Chess Club. It’s time for the meet ‘n’ greets that April Tuna mentioned way back in the early part of the show. Freddie Gong, all business, says, "Tell us succinctly, with no bull, why we should vote for you for Homecoming Queen." In a rather brilliant shot, Carmen and Sam sit on the other side of a field of chess pieces, looking for all the world as if they are sitting on the other side of a hedge from the Chess Club hard-asses. Nice work, film people. Ooh, an even better shot, a side one of the two Browns and the CC members facing each other across the table. Man, those chess pieces are huge! This is so cool. Carmen blathers some crap about being a good representative of the people, and being sincere, caring, a lusty gal with an appetite for Gummi worms. The CC will have none of this nonsense. April Tuna quickly asks the question that really matters: "What does Brooke McQueen look like nudie?" May Tuna cackles with glee, just like me. I wish I could get my hair to do that kind of free-form sculpture thing. And on to the next candidate, please! Mary Cherry gives them each $100. Poppy and Lady T try to tell them that they are all victims of prejudice, which works until Lady T spies May Tuna scarfing kitty litter out of a Tupperware: "Girl, you eating kitty litter?!" Hee hee hee! I love this show. Wait. I can’t believe I just said that. Don’t let it get around, okay? ["Me too." -- Sa - uh, "a friend"] Brooke is the last candidate to come before the committee. Oooh. Wacky music stops. Brooke goes on and on about herself, telling them how loyal and kind and loving she is, when Freddie asks the big stumper: "Brooke, what’s my name?" She looks utterly put on the spot (oh, right. Because she is) and it becomes instantly apparent that she has no idea what our sweet Freddie’s name is. He gives her a big ol’ ugly speech about how they’ve been in the same classes since the third grade, and how she’s never even said "hi" to him. Ouch. She has the grace to look ashamed, but, since that’s what she does every show, I find myself unable to have any sympathy for her at all. Or interest in her, really. Thankfully, Mary Cherry is around to offer some comic relief. She’s been spying on the whole thing, see, and smiles dementedly when Freddie delivers his big speech.

Cut to Sam, relaxing in a nice, hot bubble bath. I don’t know that the bath is hot, actually. For all I know it could be ice-cold. Television is amazing that way, isn’t it? Anyway, Sam is in the tub with the headphones on, looking like every girl-lover watching this show would want her to look (but with way too many bubbles). Brooke busts in and demands that Sam get out of the tub. Sam, of course, is as snotty as she can possibly be. I actually feel kind of bad for Brooke here. Anyway. Brooke remarks that she’s surprised that Sam hasn’t run some mean-spirited editorial to disqualify her from the Homecoming Queen race; Sam replies that she’s trying to change, to maintain a positive attitude from now on. I hear Foreshadowing’s delicate step creaking on the floorboards behind me, but I can’t quite make out what he’s saying. Brooke throws a temper tantrum, and Sam remains smugly in the tub. Because she’s an asshole.

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