MONDO EXTRAS

But you know what's funny about writing for MBTV? People don't really expect you to be pleasant or diplomatic. So when you're actually being nice, it's a total shock to everyone and subsequently the tiniest amount of ass-kissing can go a long way. To make a long story short, Tammy not only forgave me, but she even agreed to be interviewed. I assumed she wanted her new relationship with Melissa Etheridge kept out of the conversation, so I promised her we'd only talk shop. Surprisingly, she insisted that she was open to any question I'd have, including ones about Melissa. She even told me that I was getting her first post-closet interview -- which may not be true at this point, since it took me so long to type this thing up.

But here's what truly made me love Tammy: before I turned the tape recorder on, she told me some off-the-record dirt about someone famous she knew that was so deliciously nasty and so unexpected, it took the paint off my walls. No, I will never reveal what she told me, but I just wanted to mention this so you would all envy me. You see, it's been a strange couple of months, and I deserve to feel a little superiority for my troubles.

And now, the interview...

MBTV: Jeez, you sound just like Nicole. When I talked to Leslie she sounded nothing like Mary Cherry but...I'm talking to Nicole right now.

Tammy Lynn Michaels: Yeah, Grossman truly played a character. Mary Cherry was nothing like her. She had a different voice, posture and everything. I bring more of myself to the role. I mean, I'm not that much of a bitch or anything, but my voice and posture is also Nicole's.

So wait, you live in Brooklyn?

Yeah. Boerum Hill.

I spent a year in Bensonhurst and then I lived in Park Slope with the rest of the dykes.

You were a Park Slope dyke? No way! Ryan said you arrived at the Popular audition straight off the bus from the Midwest. The myth-making! The branding!

I am from Lafayette, Indiana, but I lived in New York for a while.

If this were a Vanity Fair cover article, what would we be doing now?

We'd go to Moomba. Then we'd go for side-by-side massages at some fabulous spa. And then at about seven after we'd had mannies and peddies, we would head over to Lotus and we'd sit in the balcony so we could view our public.

Have you ever been to Lotus in real life?

Yeah. I went there for Melissa's birthday.

And Melissa is...

My girlfriend? Don't you read People? [laughs]