Under Siege

Episode Report Card
Amorgan: D | Grade It Now!
Under Siege

Previously on Popular: Coach Peretti shouts at Mr. Vincent, Sam shouts at Brooke, Smug Bitch shouts at everyone, Brooke's dad and Sam's mom get engaged, and mighty snits are had by all.

This episode opens with Sam's mom saying, "Good morning," to Sam, and not too cheerily. Sam is dressed all in black and looks like a wayward member of the Charmed cast. Mom goes to look at herself in the mirror (I can't figure out the layout of their house, and why are they always in the same closets and mirrors?), only to find a photo of Sam's dad taped right at eye level. Ouch. "What is this, Sam?" Sam shoots back, "A photo of my dad, your late husband, remember him?" Sam lays into her mom for falling in love with someone else, especially Brooke McQueen's dad. When Sam's mom asks her what the problem is with Brooke, the camera starts cutting back and forth between Sam and Brooke, each telling her respective parent how "heinous" the other is. Apparently, the problem is that both the girls are self-absorbed, manipulative prima donnas who have been allowed to run wild by their parents. Or something.

Now come the Glamour Shots credits. I hate Little Big Head's hair in the credits. Actually, I hate everyone in the credits. Go figure.

I also hate these Finesse shampoo commercials. The only thing that horse-faced woman's hair "motivates" me to do is think about ways to set it on fire.

Cut to biology class before school. The teacher, henceforth known as Bio, is being really mean to Little Big Head about her frog-dissection protest. How can a teacher this pugnacious remain employed, especially in these litigation-fraught times? You'd think someone like Smug Bitch would've sued her for bad fashion and general meanness by now. (Oooooh! Maybe Smug Bitch is really Bio's test-tube baby, sold at market to the highest bidder! That would explain why they're both so monotonously hateful.) After Bio bullies Little Big Head for what seems like an eternity, LBH "respectfully refuses" to dissect the frog. Ennio Morricone's theme to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly starts to play in the background. Bio gets a diabolically smug look on her face and produces a clear plastic totebag, filled with clear fluid and a single floating frog. She tells LBH that nobody has made it past week two of a dissection protest, and then tells her that "your moral beliefs clash with my teaching style," so she's going to make LBH carry the frog around for the remainder of the amphibian anatomy lesson -- approximately two more weeks. Maybe nobody's made it past two weeks because they've been subjected to bizarre punishments devised by a sexually frustrated fugitive from the scientific elite of the Hitler regime.

Cut to a pair of black hooker boots walking down the hall. Follow them down the hall for a while, then see the edge of a fur coat swirling above them. Who could it be? Josh? Sugar Daddy? Mr. Vincent? Oh! It's Mary Cherry! She's a better drag queen than any of those guys. Right Said Fred's song about catwalks cranks up, and (WARNING: wackiness ahead. Proceed with caution) all the students turn into paparazzi, smiling and waving at Mary Cherry. She puts on her sunglasses with a beatific smile and waves like a true celebrity. Hey, Mary Cherry and I have the same sunglasses. Weird. Alas, the spell is broken when Ms. Cherry runs smack into Little Big Head and Harrison. Can you see what's coming? Can you guess? That's right. Little Big Head freaks out about Mary Cherry's fur coat and lambastes her with gruesome fur facts. You know, Little Big Head, the best way to get people to listen to you is to deliver boring, unpleasant diatribes in the shrillest voice you can muster. Not. Mary Cherry blows her off, makes a crack about LBH's frog purse, and snits away. I wonder why LBH doesn't just put the frog in her locker until biology class. Harrison asks if she's named the frog yet, and of course LBH has. Jehovah. Because he's her "witness against conformity." Only the fact that LBH delivers the line in a Mary Cherry super-Southern accent keeps me from leaping through the television and killing her. Close call, LBH. Count your blessings. LBH then wonders aloud why people are staring at her, and not at Mary Cherry's fur coat. Harrison points out that she's carrying a dead frog in a sack. LBH spits out another self-righteous comment about how gladly she'll endure "piercing stares like arrows" if she can save "just one tadpole." I have a vision of LBH tied to a stake like Saint Sebastian, with Geena Davis using her as target practice for the Olympics. Harrison looks super-dorky, but still precious, with a blue stripe of hair mascara. Strangely, nobody makes of fun of this blue stripe, or even mentions it, for the entire show. He reports that Sam and Brooke are going to have a "family dinner" on Thursday, at Brooke's house, and that "Sam is freaking out!"

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