Back at the Palace bathroom, the girls use tapes of Sam interviewing people for the Zapruder Reporter to convince Jane that Sam is in her room and can't come out because she's sick. This trick wasn't all that compelling when it first showed up in Woody Allen's Manhattan Murder Mystery, and it's not doing anything for me here. Jane doesn't really fall for it and enters looking for Sam anyway. Quick-thinking Lily hides in the shower with towel over her head, creating a Sam-like silhouette. This kills two birds with one stone: it convinces Jane that Sam is home, and it gives Lily a chance to show off her bazooms under her wet top while in a household full of women who probably aren't going to sexually harass her. But seriously, Lily looks really cute yet again in this episode.
Inside the strip club. Shots of rotisserie chicken and alterna-strippers: older ladies, some girls who I think are men in drag, and a woman with osteoporosis and back fat shimmying all over the pole. The boys eat their chicken, enraptured by all this bare flesh, and ignore the queries of Mr. McQueen as to where they are. The stage empties and the bouncer comes out and introduces a "trio of naughty amateurs." The song "Jailbait" plays while Mary Cherry, Wanda, and Nicole take the stage under the names Erika Estrada, Miss Lola, and Brooke McQueen respectively. Mary Cherry is dressed in a policewoman's uniform and spanks herself a lot. Wanda looks like a fifty-year-old British barmaid strung out on Valium in her slip dress and feathered headdress. Nicole is doing a prepubescent Max Hardcore "victim" look with pigtails and a short plaid skirt. She rides the pole like a schoolyard merry-go-round. The bouncer videotapes Mary Cherry's act for her to send to Melissa Rivers of E!. Harrison is horrified. Emory is smitten with Wanda. Mr. McQueen takes off his blindfold, realizes what's going on, and tries to get the underage strippers off-stage. Relax, Mike -- these three girls have been legal adults for quite a long time, if you know what I mean. Mike's actions draw the attention of an undercover police officer, who busts Mike for smuggling underage teens into a strip club and watching underage strippers. The undercover cop, incidentally, is the same guy who played Emory's incompetent lawyer and the Zen master in other episodes. He's the Asian Godfrey.
The Palace shower. Jane announces to her mute friends that her daughter Sam should be down momentarily for the opening of the presents. Brooke and Carmen come down to the kitchen without Lily, who I guess is drying off upstairs, and tells Jane that Sam is too sick to come down so they should open the presents without her. Jane can't fathom opening presents without Sam for some reason, so Carmen insists that Sam really can't make it. Jane starts to question Carmen, who is a) freaked out about having to lie and b) unnerved at being separated from Lily's side for the first time this entire episode, and Carmen pukes all over the presents. No, I swear. The writers thought it would be lotsa laughs to have Carmen vomit green slime all over the place. "Sam's been kidnapped!" confesses Carmen. "Sorry!"
San Francisco. That gallery. Sam is still pressuring Kelly to come back to LA and stop the wedding. Kelly has her own Crime and Punishment moment and talks of being unable to change the past and being "imprisoned" by the memories of the daughter she left behind. She tells Sam that she can't go back, but she gives Sam the dorky "Mother and Child" photo in exchange for a picture of Brooke. Sam leaves with it; Kelly stares at Brooke's picture, fake cries, and acts contrite.