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You Don't Tug On Superman's Cape…

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'Til cancellation do us part

The Novak. There are two hours, 27 minutes and 14 seconds left until Mary Cherry's annihilation. Two middle-aged men in suits are meeting with her. One is a funeral director, who is fitting her for the coffin that she's inevitably going to need after the fight. The other guy is an estate planner. She's feeling horrible about herself and deserving of the consequences of her actions, so she picks out a pine coffin: "Ah deserve to spend eternity in cheap packaging." She dictates her will to the estate planner, leaving almost everything to the Big Sisters of Los Angeles. "Who knows?" she muses. "Maybe if they had touched Big Bertha, I may have lived to see a new fall collection." Nicole enters, making snarky comments about MC's inevitable death. Mary Cherry tells her to laugh it up all she wants. "As of six PM, you won't have Mary Cherry to kick around anymore," she says, exiting. Nicole grabs the will from the estate planner to check out what she's getting.

The Ford apartment. Mrs. Ford is against the marriage, because Josh is too young to get married. I mean, good for her and all, but we know the real reason she objects to another woman in Josh's life, don't we? She tells him she won't sign the papers that give him permission to get married as a minor. "You don't have to," says Josh. "Dad already did." She vows to stop them, but Josh informs her that he'll marry Lily with or without her blessing. I wonder if I'm using the right cleaning solution on my no-wax floors.

Fancy restaurant. Harrison waits for Sam to show up. Since when do kids meet in four-star restaurants for dates? I mean, what ever happened to the age-old tradition of meeting your teen beloved in a parking lot late at night with a case of Meister Brau and a blanket? Brooke shows up instead of Sam. "What are you doing here?" asks Harrison. "I didn't want to see you get stood up," says Brooke.

Meanwhile, Mary Cherry and Big Bertha meet in the empty halls of Kennedy for their fight. They do this whole shout out to High Noon and approach each other wearing cowboy hats while Ennio Morricone-esque music plays. "You hit my car," says Big Bertha. "And you're gonna pay. Any last requests?" "Leave me alone?" suggests Mary Cherry. No dice. "Prepare to die," says Big Bertha. MC faints, falling back to the ground with a thud. But this time there's no thud. Nicole has caught her. "Am I in Hell?" asks Mary Cherry. Nicole stops the fight and threatens to use her presidential privileges to search Big Bertha's locker, which apparently contains weapons, drugs, and dolphin meat. Big Bertha goes after Nicole, but Nicole, wearing a pair of brass knuckles that spell out B-I-T-C-H, is a formidable opponent. She punches Big Bertha, sending her flying down the hall. "You had my back!" says Mary Cherry joyfully. "Thank you!" Nicole explains that she was touched by MC's donation to the LA Big Sisters and realized that even someone as vile and repulsive as her deserves to live...for now. "Besides," she adds, "no one gets to push you around besides me." Aw!

Fancy restaurant. Brooke tells Harrison about the plan to play him, only she makes it sound like it was Sam's idea and she wasn't really part of it. Sam shows up in time to find Brooke stabbing her in the back, and they have a fight in the middle of the restaurant. "Neither of you like me," says Harrison on his way out the door. "You just hate each other!" Okay, since when did the whole sibling-rivalry thing become an issue again? I thought that whole thing was over. Oh wait, I don't care. I only have one more episode to go before I never have to see this show again! They take food from other diners' tables and throw it at each other. Again, whatever.

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