What a freakin' thrillride! I was so into it I had no idea how long it had been on or how much show there was left. I was just sort of pinned to my chair, like Hanna in the dentist's office. But let's not skip to the end, like she would.
Emily has to hang out with Aria, now that she's pissed at Spencer for ruining her Alison reunion and Hanna for not giving a shit about her drama. Aria, since Byron's out of town and Ella's still in an Austrian cupcake castle, is mothering Mikey just about to death. But thanks to the school's hip new guidance counselor Jesse -- specifically his support group for troubled kids, such as Mikey and Mona -- she may be losing her brother altogether: Guess who's canoodling with him in broad daylight these days? Yes, the Vanderwaal Wonderwall herself, who makes a good sell for herself as innocent victim of circumstance when it suits her, but has graduated otherwise to closed-door meetings with Ezra.
...Who is so fantastic in this episode. Him and Aria both, separately. Emily's dad is convinced yet more schoolwork is going to solve Emily's emotional problems for some reason, and Ezra happily forces her into copy-making duty in the late hours to "help out." Meanwhile, Aria starts eleven kinds of shit with Maggie, who's back in town solely to piss Ezra off, from what I can tell. But that's not the big Ezra news.
The big Ezra news is that Spencer -- who is now getting Adderall from Hot Nerd Andrew, upsettingly enough -- is using her hyperadrenalized, methed-up mind to decode the copy of the Diary on her phone, and uses this to track Alison's mystery date to a pub where she runs into Ezra, who proceeds to order the exact same beer-and-pie combo that Alison talked about her older lover enjoying. And the name of the beer? BOARD SHORTS ALE. Deal with it! I will give you a minute!
But of course she holds off on destroying Aria's life until she can do more drugs so she can find more clues so she can do more drugs to find those clues. Plus, she doesn't really have a moment to talk about it, given that:
1) Hanna ends up ambushed, drugged, and implanted in her mouth with secret A messages (quit looking, etc.) after an undercover mission to the dentist's office, which she is still waking up from as:
2) An incredibly terrifying night begins for Emily, as the entire high school turns on her and starts blasting cookie-monster metal and flashing mean LCD signs at her in the hallways ("ACT NORMAL, BITCH!" being the most amazing part of the episode) and eventually her dad has to climb up to a window to save her from A, only to them immediately keel over with a heart attack or something!
Oh my God it was a trip and a half. But in the end, the Liars band together once again. in fear and affection (and amateur dental surgery), so all is right with the world.
Next Week: Like I barely care at this precise moment? Because I am still freaking out about this week's episode. (Act normal, bitch!) But I can tell you that Spencer is only going to take more drugs to figure out the deal with Boardshorts and Ezra and all that, which is probably going to cancel itself out, credibility speaking, at the worst time. I base this theory partly on Saved By The Bell and Sherlock, but mostly on how homegirl was looking pretty goddamn cranked even before she started doing the drugs, tbh.
The Liars went to a bed and breakfast over and over. Or rather, they tried, but things kept happening. It was a real mess. Then Alison sent Shana to tell Emily that she was not jerking her around for the first time ever, and even though Emily is ambivalent about her situation she went to grill Ali with hugs -- only to be stymied by the very nosy Spencer Hastings, who is feeling out of control lately and thus must be up on everybody's jock. Now Emily hates Spencer for reasons that everybody understands but nobody wants to articulate.
Hanna kissed Travis (CREEPING) so Ashley taught her to destroy things, instead of people. Ezra took his bloody foot revenge on Jake for warning Aria about his night screaming, which he said was about Maggie denying him access to another man's child that he barely knows. Oh, and he chased the girls around his secret molester cabin, getting back Ali's diary in the first place. Luckily, Spencer scanned the whole thing into her phone, which took probably a thousand hours of doing that, so now everybody has the diary. Previous to all of these things, Sean Faris and Roma Maffia came to town to investigate the deaths of the NAT Club's various perverted policemen, but once Mona got Ashley out of jail and CeCe went on the run, they just kind of disappeared.
Aria and Emily have just been to a "chick flick," which I'm guessing was not very fun and had subtitles, which is the universe's way of saying, "If you won't hang out with Spencer, and Hanna won't pick a side, you're left doing stupid Aria shit with Aria."
Inside the house is a ruckus! Mikey is throwing a laxbro party full of makeouts, pizza, and movies. The three gateway drugs of all teens. That's how Jason DiLaurentis started doing the weed, I believe. Aria, not satisfied with ruining Emily's night already, immediately shuts that shit down. It's ironic because she was just nattering at Emily about how Spencer was only trying to protect her by dicking up her Alison meeting, and now here she is being protective in the same dorky, life-ruining way.
Aria, verbatim: "No, I'm not chillin'!"
Is trying to decipher the diary on her phone, having left blanks for the words she can't understand in Ali's insane bubble writing. She dials Hanna so smoothly that it seems like she is calling the diary page itself.
Spencer: "Hello, is this Alison's Diary?"