And where's Aria? I think you know: Freaking out on Ezra for her weird obsessive teenage ideas. She makes a dramatic speech here in its entirety: "If you want, you should just leave with Simone. Take her home to New York. Why wouldn't you? She's beautiful, and she's smart and funny..." (Ezra, as though it's just occurring to him that Dolores Haze always holds all the power and always is a maniac: "I met her yesterday?") "She's successful, you love her writing, she's your age! I can't... I can't compete with that!" Oh, the woeful drama. Aria, I kinda love you. "You two even look like a couple. You can dance with her! And hold her hand in front of other people! Leave your apartment at the same time without having to count to fifty!"

That's what a relationship is, when you're Aria: Holding hands, dancing places, getting coffee, I bought you a scarf, we carry matching Moleskins. (An awesome forum poster surmised a few weeks back that the reason Ezra can't get a real date is because all he likes to do is hold hands; that still cracks me up.) Ezra's eyes are now wide with disbelief -- why the hell is this teenage girl I'm dating acting like a teenage girl? -- and he realizes it's time to call in the big guns: "Aria. Why are we having this conversation? I am already in love with someone else."

Oh, well okay then. That's literally all it takes and she immediately chills out. I cannot imagine how it's worth this much effort -- I mean, she's still Aria -- but don't ask me to explain perverts to you. They got needs we don't ken.

While Ella's closing up shop at the dance, handing over A's black jacket and gloves (coat check #32), Hanna wrestles away Emily's magic phone, and then stops her from apologizing about the mean drunk speech in a really kind, awesome manner: "Don't apologize. You were right. The truth is I was worse than Alison tonight. If that's even possible. And I do know how Lucas feels about me. I wasn't messing with him for fun."

And maybe right then she could have explained the Hitchcock movie her mom's gotten them into, but Emily falls into the blackouts and so she just covers her up. Downstairs, Spencer gives Hanna mad props for getting the phone away from her -- "That could cause some serious damage," she says, in her hardcore way -- and then Hanna discovers the laptop on the coffee table, magazines stacked on top.