Pretty Little Liars

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Nukes & Cookies

Emily heads for Hanna's flask and Spencer reports her inability to get into Ian's desk, but then Aria can't even pay attention because Simone has touched Ezra's arm one too many times. If she weren't wearing entire Decepticons as earrings, she'd be taking them off. She heads over to beat them both to death and Spencer grabs her just in time, begging Ezra for a dance. "Somebody's crushing on her English teacher!" Simone giggles to Aria, who just about does an angry backflip.

Hanna comes out to complain about the toll this dancing is taking on her body and soul, and crunk Emily has already gotten to a pretty tipsy place. She's drowsy and sexy and scary and magical and it's really disturbing; the first thing she does is call Hanna out for dancing with Lucas: "You know he worships you and you're never gonna look at him that way. Alison did the same thing to me. Makes you feel powerful, huh?" Hanna's like, "You can't say this shit if you already drank all the hooch, but no: I do not feel powerful, I feel the opposite of powerful. I feel gross." Emily, however, is not hearing it: "It's too bad she's not here tonight. Alison would've been really proud of you."

Damn, Emily!

It reminds me of something Norman said a while back, about how the thing that attracted them all into Alison's orbit was the very fact of how repulsive she was. That's so perverse, and so completely true. It's like how everybody thinks Twilight is a big deal because it's so "romantic" when the truth is, nobody but dumb moms think that shit is romantic: Twilight is a big deal because it's gross and weird, and teenagers are automatically gross and weird. Twilight is not the new JK Rowling, it's the new VC Andrews.

Spencer's entire explanation for dragging Ezra onto the dance floor: "Five more seconds and you would've ended up on YouTube. That was a suicide mission and you know it." Everything's a war if you look at it right, and that's why even though Hanna's my favorite Spencer will always be my girl.

Sean's conciliatory for about five seconds, but Hanna's not giving in on the Lucas thing -- price just went up to $1000 -- so Sean abruptly and poetically dumps her: "That car broke more than your legs. There's something really sick going on up there." Oh, girlfriend. She's like, I'm well aware. So then -- as a gorgeous cover of the Outfield's classic song about "I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love Tonight" starts playing, which is fucking genius -- she goes back to Lucas, because his arms around her are at least something. Taking the lie ever closer to the truth, and feeling wretched about it.

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Pretty Little Liars




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