Pretty Little Liars

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Nukes & Cookies

How's Emily? Well, she's lost her marbles. Spencer and Aria drag her wobbling ass back to a couch and try to sober her up, but no: There is no fixing Emily's breakdown now. She starts shouting about how Ian kills whoever he wants and marries whoever he wants -- "He's not a chaperone, he's a killer!" -- and meanwhile Toby's got a lo-jack and he's probably going to jail, and everybody's eyes are like our little Emily, who knew she'd be the first one to crack and then with her swimmer's strength she sends everybody flying and gets right the fuck up in Ian's grill: "I know what you did! We all know! And you're not gonna get away with it!"

Amazing. So Emily stumbles off to wreak some more awesome havoc and Ian swings Spencer into his arms. She lies and says this outburst was about that time he molested her, and Ian gets super scary super fast. She swears nobody besides the Liars knows, and he leans in real close: "That better be the truth. Or someone's gonna get hurt."

Gotta say, Ian's officially won me over. Because he could just mean Melissa, which is what it would mean in a normal setting, like not in Rosewood where everything is gross and strange all the time, but then he's so fucking intense --- chop chop chop squeak chuckle grunt -- and Spencer's automatically so intense, that it could really mean... Anything at all. On this show everything means everything, as long as it's creepy.

They've finally got old Emily out of there, but now the question is: What to do with Emily? Take her home to mommy? While that would be awesome, now that Em's got nothing to lose, it would also result in a murder-suicide. And Hanna's not driving her there anyway, because Pam would have a shit-fit about her flask. So then it's decided that they'll all go to Spencer's, where Emily can sleep it off and Hanna can Help Spencer keep Ian from murdering everybody in the house.

There's a sweet teen movie moment where Lucas manfully takes his chance and offers Hanna a ride and a talk -- only fair, since her boyfriend just dumped her -- and Hanna seems honestly torn about it, because she's got Liar problems and still can't handle the idea of liking Lucas. At least she's talking to him like a person. (And take note, Lucases of the world: It's almost entirely because you're acting like one.) Lucas gives in, and Hanna discovers in her jacket an entire world of money. Fattest wad I've like ever seen.

And where's Aria? I think you know: Freaking out on Ezra for her weird obsessive teenage ideas. She makes a dramatic speech here in its entirety: "If you want, you should just leave with Simone. Take her home to New York. Why wouldn't you? She's beautiful, and she's smart and funny..." (Ezra, as though it's just occurring to him that Dolores Haze always holds all the power and always is a maniac: "I met her yesterday?") "She's successful, you love her writing, she's your age! I can't... I can't compete with that!" Oh, the woeful drama. Aria, I kinda love you. "You two even look like a couple. You can dance with her! And hold her hand in front of other people! Leave your apartment at the same time without having to count to fifty!"

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Pretty Little Liars

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