Pretty Little Liars

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Nukes & Cookies

But here's what everybody is wearing: Emily and Hanna both look normal and pretty. Aria is wearing shorts and suspenders with a black heart/corset shape over her white t-shirt, creating the effect of a JC Penney gothic Mouseketeer. But Spencer, my Lord Spencer, she's got her hair braided up around her head, a skinny tie, and a slim-cut men's suit so intense and tailored that even Katharine Hepburn would be like, "That's kind of severe." Of all her weirdo outfits, this one is the weirdest since the last one. And needless to say she looks phenomenal, like if Jane Austen ever wrote a book about a lesbian equestrian this would be her go-to.

Single-minded Hanna's first response to a screwup with the printers' shop (too many DC-related Barack standups, not enough Michelles, and isn't that the way) is to get the guy fired and take his job, because Hanna this week is all about gainful employment that doesn't involve cupcakes. She asks Sean if she can get a job at his mom's dental office, but apparently that's out before she came after a kid with a drillbit once because he quote "aimed at me for rinse-and-spit." Hanna's kinda my hero. He tries to be supportive and finally she lies that she's stressing about money because she wants these earrings, and he promises to ask even though he knows it will never be. Kind of like dating Sean.

Ella Montgomery! You look so wonderful, how have you been? Well, she's brought in Aria's wonderful old babysitter, Simone as portrayed by the wondrous Alona Tal, to give her English class some kind of hope for the future. Seems Simone's a big-deal writer in the big city now. Simone talks about the weirdness of being back at her old high school, and before she thinks it through Aria demands that Simone also visit the Liars' English class. Ella jumps on that shit immediately, of course, and not only confirms the plan but sets Simone up on a date with one Ezra Fitz.

Still blind to what's happening, Aria chatters at Simone about her Iceland journal and Simone pushes her to write amazing stories about her amazing life, reminding her that once Simone forced her to "turn off The O.C. and read Wuthering Heights." Which is exactly what's wrong with academia today.

Aria chortles that it wasn't Wuthering Heights, it was The Exorcist, as though that invalidates whatever point Simone was making about high and low culture, and Ella comes back with Fitz's troth in hand. "Say yes!" she urges Simone, cutting slanty looks at her endangered daughter: "He's very single and very handsome." Aria, the lights go out in her head as she figures out what Ella is doing, and Ella grins at her daughter: "Am I wrong?" No, mother dear. Not at all.

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Pretty Little Liars

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