The Liars spend the evening worrying about (slash ignoring) poor Hanna after Ashley was finally arrested for shooting Wilden with the gun she stole from her ex-husband. After a distressing visit to the disheartened Ms. Marin herself, Hanna's wild-eyed denial eventually earns her a Come To Jesus from no less an expert in mental health than Spencer Hastings herself. I can think of no greater reality check than Spencer Hastings telling you you're deluded. Hanna eventually realizes that her mother is going to rot in prison and that she is all alone, and weeps in Spence's arms. Good thing Caleb's not goin' anywhere, am I right?
Aria tries to cover for Mikey -- who obviously destroyed Laxbro's car last week -- but it's once again Ezra who lays down some HIPAA blackmail on the Vice Principal and gets Mikey off. It's looking more and more likely, however, that Ezra is in fact The Masked Badger vigilante who beat up Laxbro's car in the first place. (Additionally, he dresses like a child through most of the episode: Either a consequence of him and Malcolm wearing the same size clothes, or an attempt at blending into his surroundings to trick Aria into dating him again.) It kind of works, actually, because her stupid ass goes over to the Fitzpartment to thank him in person, and then runs away very dramatically because of love.
Eventually Emily pulls a Hanna herself, and steals the keys to Wilden's apartment from the police station, which gets her mother suspended without leave. Have you noticed that whenever Emily goes to the police station, shit occurs? Stay away from there, young lady. If only she had gone to the quack super-soldier serum doctor appointment like she was told, none of this would have happened. Although A would probably have still driven a car directly into your living room, aimed at your mom's head.
The Liars visit Wilden's house, go through his porn -- Aria, everybody has porn, it's called the internet, don't break stride -- and eventually come up with a box of rotting sumpin' sumpin', as dear old departed DiLaurentis would say, that places him somewhere in the context of the Lodge fire. I didn't really understand all of that part but I do know they were wearing gloves, and somebody called his house on the landline despite his very public death weeks ago. Emily decides to google "steak" to find out more, while Hanna pisses her mom off by once again agitating for a plea bargain.
Best of all, though, Caleb and Toby decide they are going to mansplain the truth out of our town once and for all, and track down A and the A-Team and the B-Team and Redcoat all on their own, because unlike girls, they don't have to waste all that time doing their makeup. Well, that and the fact that nobody is really trying to kill them that often, especially now that Toby is no longer on the A-Team, so that frees up a lot of time too.
They head back to the airfield to which Alison -- a dead teenager -- flew an airplane while wearing a mask of her face over her own face, there to meet with Nigel from the funeral, who they don't remember because they weren't there, but if they did they would know he is the other person Jenna is dating, besides Shana. (Making him, I guess, the Jason of the B-Team?) He lies to them about a hundred times -- even about the lighter they planted on Toby that is fully engraved with his initials -- until Caleb does a sweet werewolf jump over the counter, pickpocketing him of his phone with skills he learned from living by his wits.
I guess Wilden was supposed to blow up the Lodge but then he was too busy getting shot by Ashley to do it? And then Nigel told the Boys that CeCe Drake was behind the whole thing, but that's clearly a lie. (Even if you didn't remember Nigel from the funeral you'd know that, I'd imagine.) Even moreso the idea that she somehow murdered Toby's mother or at least changed her file after the fact, which is where Toby takes this info -- all the way to suddenly thinking CeCe is A, and also killed Wilden. None of that sounds very CeCe to me. So why is CeCe a target of the B-Team? What differentiates her from Melissa? Besides being awesome I mean.
What I need is somebody, like a fourteen-year-old girl who actually gets it, to explain this shit to me. I am so confused what the deal even is at this point, it keeps me up at night. This show and Teen Wolf are the only ones where I don't understand even the most basic things that are happening, most of the time. I feel like a standup comedian's mom in a joke: "Who's that guy, is he new? Is he with the other guy, or are they fighting? Which blonde girl? Is that the dead one, or the other dead one, or the blind one wearing a wig, or different people in masks? Or wait, is it the blonde girl that beat those snakes to death with the mannequin leg that time?"
Anyway, yeah. A "throws a car" through the Fields's living room, making three out of four moms that the newer, viciouser A has succeeded in taking off the board. (I hope that Veronica Hastings does not also become a Victim! Then what would every single person in Rosewood do whenever they need a lawyer? Which is something they need every day of the year, because they are murdering perverts?) Then, in one of the more awesome A-Tags in recent memory, A sends Emily a home improvement gift basket so she can start rebuilding. Thank God we have Toby, he'll have it right as rain in no time.
Next Week: Ezra notices the extreme bad luck the Liars tend to have, and how it is now extending to their families, and everybody is just like "Shut up, Ezra," because God forbid. Hanna goes to Mona because sometimes when the law won't help and justice ain't just, you gotta admit you need the help of a higher power. Or at least a higher-dimensional mental hyperconstruct of superreality, which works out to the same damn thing. Mona Vanderwaal!
Mona caused a bit of a rift between Spencer and the Liars, which didn't help her ongoing problems with Emily, by telling them the Toby truth about the Lair Van's disappearance. A blonde girl may be implicated in his mother's death. Emily's still looking into alternative treatments for her shoulder, while Aria's rumored history with Mr. Fitz reared its head unexpectedly, Mikey Montgomery may have become a vigilante, and the Marin Family Firearm finally sent Ashley to jail.
Emily: "It's so hard putting these dishes where they go! Because of my shoulder."
Spencer: "I'm sorry to hear that you're still in pain."
Emily: "Your compassion means nothing to me."
Spencer: "I know you're mad, but Toby doesn't feel like it's yet time for me to explain his mother's part of the whole A thing. And to be fair, I did follow Shana out of the hell dimension for you..."
Emily: "I kind of think about Shana all the time right now, have you noticed? I hate it. Let's just worry about Hanna."
Aria: "At least you two are talking again. Let's make Hanna eat something."
Liars: "The only thing she wants is the milk of mother's kindness. And now her dad won't even let her go to the meetings about her defense. If only one of us were related to her lawyer!"
Aria: "Maybe I will just force-feed her cake frosting."
Liars: "We are definitely sticking around to watch that."
Hanna: "Just don't do anything stupid."
Caleb: "I never do stupid stuff."
Hanna: "You're dating me, that's pretty dumb."
Caleb: "Only until Ravenswood. Relax."
Caleb's version of not doing anything stupid is to team up with Toby and get A to come murder everybody. One of the few times I'd think having Paige on your team would be a good idea, because at least she knows what she's doing. Toby accidentally joins the A-Team whenever left unattended for even a day, and Caleb started out on the A-Team and now just vanishes constantly whenever Hanna needs him. You need that laser-like focus of a lesbian about to be denied her cozy Stanford dorm room marriage.
Toby: "Tell them hi. Just kidding, don't tell them anything."
Caleb: "Yes, keeping our meddling in their ongoing murders a secret is the opposite of doing something stupid."