SEASON 3-B IS NOW SPENCER JUST GOES FUCKING NUTS OK
Spencer: "Hey fucker, guess what?"
Jason: "Spencer, so glad you could join us."
Liars: "Just noticed Spencer is bonkers. Literally this is the first we're noticing this."
Spencer: "Your sister was pregnant when she died!"
Jason: "Do go on."
Liars: "Spencer, no! You're just being weird and mean!"
Spencer: "Guess who the father was? Detective Wilden!"
Jason: "BRB I have to go threaten a policeman now."
Liars: "Spencer, that was the most fucked up thing you've done in a while."
Spencer: "Ha! That you know of."
The whole "people move on" thing comes into play, now, in a new way: Spencer's become the largest advocate for letting Ali go, forgetting about Mystery B, but it's happening just in time for her to get completely caught in the web of Mystery A. The other three have gone through a lot of good, hard work to come back around to this place where they're allowed to mourn her and say goodbye, because so much of what they went through has been about that, about putting her to rest in their hearts so they can say goodbye in the real world. And now Spencer's so tied up in other shit she can't come with them -- and out of them all, missed her the least to begin with -- so they all look just as lost to her as she does to us.
So now that she's alone, having alienated everybody at this sad little goat-rodeo of a funeral, Spencer does the next logical thing, which is notice the relatively fresh hydrangeas at Toby's mother's mausoleum spot, take a second to pull it together -- just kidding! -- and then uses the Lair key to scratch Toby's name over Mrs. Cavanaugh's. People move on. He won't meet the same Spencer again; that girl is gone.
Emily: "First of all, Spencer is a bitch. Hurt people hurt people, but right now it's really hard to be compassionate."
Aria: "Yeah, that bitch is gone. We should probably help her out of this spiral just as soon as we get over being pissed at her."
Hanna: "I'm still confused why we're all so protective of Jason right now. That's usually Spencer's bag. I guess we're just closing ranks because we still miss Alison."
Emily: "Hang on, I'm getting another transmission from my ongoing amnesia!"
Hanna: "This again?"
Aria: "What, were you roofied and abducted by more people? Because there isn't anybody left. You literally hung out with every single person That Night, even like Jenna and Noel Kahn that are barely on this show."
Emily: "You're forgetting one person! Alison DiLaurentis!"
Aria: "The fuck?"
Hanna: "Oh my God, I'm so glad somebody said something. Have you guys been spending, like, a lot of time with her? Considering she's dead?"
Aria: "Ah. Yeah, I did chill with her recently when I was being poisoned and chased around my house by a substitute teacher."
Hanna: "I have been hanging out with her pretty regularly ever since I got run over that time. Do you guys remember that?"
Emily: "Yeah, I saw her on your dad's wedding day, when that mean doll talked me into locking myself in a garage with a car that was running."
Aria: "Should we, I don't know, maybe discuss this further?"
Emily: "No time! Incoming!"
Apparently That Night, one thing Emily got up to was helping Alison dig up her own grave. Sure, that checks out. But then somebody showed up, and Ali started screaming. Who was it? Red Coat Girl.
Emily: "Thank God, I only imagined the part where I bludgeoned her..."
Aria: "When would you say this happened? Before or after Jenna picked you up at that underground drug rave/time-traveling '50s diner from the Hopper painting and drove you around town in a kerchief, despite being blind?"
Emily: "Still fuzzy."
Liars: "I wonder if that was Alison in the red coat. Digging up her own grave, hitting her own self over the head."
Emily: "All I know is the bitch was blonde, wearing a red coat... And that she is A+."
Liars: "Did you seriously just intuit not only the existence of the A-Team, but also its leader?"
Emily: "This is why my chronic amnesia is a good thing. Good shit like this, sometimes."
One of the A-Team buys a bottle of whiskey, producing ID on request. We do not see the card itself, but we know that one of the As -- probably the same one that took the field mission to kill Caleb's mom -- is of age. Is it CeCe Drake? I hope to God it's CeCe Drake.
NEXT WEEK: SPENCER JUST GOES FUCKING NUTS OK
If they have a single clue between them, clearly their next step should be administering Emily with various medications at measured doses, to see what else she comes up with, or else they should all take drugs together and see if Ali or her ghost or her red-coated twin or somebody in a blonde wig or Ali in a brown wig or some other ghost or even Mikey Montgomery shows up. Clearly the answer is psychotropics at this point. Which could explain the scenes from next week that involve Spencer launching herself through the air at Mona's face with a guttural howl.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.