"Hey Aria, is that a dreamcatcher you're wearing? Because you look like a god damn nightmare."
I'm still working on my pickup lines. That one probably needs a little more time in the old hopper. So Ezra returns, and Aria immediately lies to him about kissing Wesley, and then his mom descends on everybody as usual, talking mad crap and throwing polarizing hints and intimations in every direction, until finally Ezra throws what I personally believe to be the only fit he has actually, literally -- rather than in his heroic imagination -- ever thrown about his mother's behavior. By her reaction -- tossing Maggie and Ezra's son out on the street like some kind of Charles Dickens fantasy -- I would say I'm probably right.
After Hanna spots Wilden forcing CeCe into his car, he decides to step up his campaign of intimidation: Far from being complicit in his possible babydaddyhood and subsequent murder of Alison, CeCe is actually just as scared as everybody else -- and ready to leave town. (Nooooooo!) Before she splits, though, she sets Emily up with some new clues, all of which basically add up to: Melissa Hastings took the boat picture, meaning she was there when Ali hooked up with Wilden, which -- when combined to her ties to the NAT Club and That Night -- means the Black Swan is utterly back in play. Not to mention looking fly with a kicky new haircut.
The rest of Hanna's day is mostly about wondering whether Caleb's Uncle Dad stole money from a church, which is pretty heavy, but not as heavy as when she gets home to her mom knocking back whiskeys talking about maybe she killed a guy. See, Ashley spends the episode in a restaurant being menaced by the good detective to shut her daughter up, sitting alone at a table not drinking wine for what seems to be about eleven hours, and then -- after a brief contretemps -- just hitting the gas and running Detective Wilden the fuck over, because Hanna's family is second only to the Kennedys in their luck with modes of transportation.
Problem #1, this is all caught on the police car's video camera, including Problem #2, where Hanna joins her mother in looking around for his dead body so they can presumably bury it ... with a shovel.
And then there's Spencer. After spending most of the week since last episode's blowup in bed, she gets an ultimatum from Melissa: Act like a person, or deal with their parents. Since this would involve an intergalactic planetary flight to wherever they are, Spencer shifts her sad lonely ass down to the couch, where she is immediately grasped in the chickenhawk claws of one Dr. Wren, whose jaw-dropping beauty could easily distract you from the part where he straight up admits that he swooped in on her last week purely because he heard she was unspooling, and that as a sexual predator of children he knew he couldn't pass this chance up. She asks him out, of course*, on a second date, because even when your mind is shattered into one million pieces, he's still crazy hot and it would still hurt Melissa's feelings, which are the two most important things in the world.
*(Which reminds me of the funniest part of the episode -- besides Aria's outfit, which is equal parts "Love Is A Battlefield" prostitute / Jessica "Spider-Woman" Drew cosplay -- which is when Wilden has the audacity to lean over a table and hiss at Ashley, "In a town like this, an accusation like that would end me." Uh, no. I'm pretty sure in a town like Rosewood, an accusation like that would make you Mayor.)
Even after Ella expresses concern that Spencer now spends most days flopping around on the floor groaning at irregular intervals, she still won't talk to anybody, and even hides multiple times from Aria -- who, to be fair, probably just wanted to talk about Ezra anyway -- so there are like a million reasons she would actually feel better just spending time with this gorgeous pedophile (and even dropping a pretty insane red herring and/or hint about as-yet unspoken matters) instead of her friends. But in the end, it's Aria who saves her when A locks her in her house's futuristic robot shower, and hacks its works to steam her to death like so much asparagus.
(First of all, how funny would it be if she'd come out of that shower and immediately started unloading all of her bullshit on Patrick Wilson, like a total trainwreck. And second of all, something has been going wrong in Rosewood for a long time and you need to get rid of any robots you may have in your home, immediately. Because they are going rogue.)
Still pruny from her brush with death, and assuming it was Toby that did this in retaliation for her Wren date, and not Melissa who I'm still not ruling out, Spencer orders Aria to get their friends together -- Emily who is super fine with the fact that Paige "Sketchmaster" McCullers secretly hooked up with Halloween Shana last summer and never said anything about it until forced to do so, Hanna whose mom maybe just fucking killed a cop, and Aria whose problems of course dwarf all others despite being almost entirely imaginary -- so she can finally tell everybody the real reason she broke up with Toby.
Next Week: Armed with the identities now of two A-Teamers, presumably the Liars will flounder about in an aggressively wall-bumping confusion, accusing people of various counterintuitive crimes and burying or setting fire to objects at random, hurling insults at the blind and at their siblings and at the siblings of the blind. Because Spencer Hastings is back, bitches. And all it took was a nice long shower and a pep talk from Ella, which come to think of it is the most believable part of the entire episode. She should have just started there. "Spencer, why are you lying facedown in my parking space? Why aren't you inside, studying Keats?" "Mrs. Montgomery, I have lost my entire mind." "Well, come on. I'll get you a scone and we can talk about it."
Ezra's mother has decided to blame Aria for his poverty and ingratitude, even after everybody found out that she'd stolen his baby out of high school and set the mom up in a sweet condo, many states away. Eventually Ezra went off to see the kid, and while he's been gone Aria has been hanging out -- and eventually makin' a little time -- with his hot baby brother. ("Baby" in this context meaning "age-appropriate.") Emily and Jason were in an elevator crash that nearly injured her, and put Jason in the hospital for about five minutes until he disappeared.
Spencer has absolutely lost her marbles and forced Wren to take her on a little trip to see if she could find them inside Mona Vanderwaal's face. No dice. (And speaking of dice, Caleb's Uncle Dad is a little bit of a stealer, it seems. Or just really likes drawing dice on money.) And of course, everybody but especially Emily is intensely focused on the newest scandal: Detective Darren Wilden possibly got a fifteen-year-old Alison pregnant, and subsequently killed her.
Liars: "Doing okay, Emily?"
Emily: "On a scale of Mean Cupcakes to Dressing Room Snakes or Scary Massage, I'd put the Elevator Disaster at about a Robot Death House."
Liars: "Maybe the A-Team will just go away, now that everybody but Jason is dead in the NAT Club and Jason's far away or dead."
Spencer: "Or go back to torturing us full-time."
Liars: "All right, Hastings. Buck up. Now, why do we think CeCe lied about knowing Wilden from Cape May?"
Aria: "Which evidence abruptly disappeared. You know, we should really think about documenting and backing this stuff up. Generally I think those kind of measures are pretty alarmist -- what, you're gonna lose your Fantasy Football spreadsheet? -- but honestly is there any person or group of persons on this planet more in need of some digital security? Just some passwords and a hard drive. Even just the cloud. Something."
Emily: "So is CeCe Drake A+? Is she Red Coat?"
Spencer: "Hmm? Maybe it's CeCe Drake."
Liars: "Spencer, if we lose your brilliant mind that's the whole enchilada. Take a ginkgo and get it together."
Spencer: "Sorry, you guys. I'm just a little distracted thinking about how Dr. Wren took me to another city, where I sort of physically attacked Mona Vanderwaal with my teeth bared and making crazy noises like a beast."