I want them to make out? But I also don't want to reward the haircut.
Hanna calls Caleb "one of those things that sticks to the side of boats that can only be removed with a hacksaw or something," and tells him to "peel [his] sweaty body off of [her] locker," and they crackle and whatever, and he hands her whatever part of Ella Montgomery's car he stole, telling her to put it on a charm bracelet or something, and this is his exit line: "By the way? They're barnacles." It's pretty freakin' awesome. Why did he do this for her? Don't know. Don't really care, honestly, because if you're going to try and fill Noel Kahn's shoes, your only hope is showing up equipped with magic powers.
Aria runs into Ella in the hallway, because Ella wants to go shopping, because she needs to up her sexy. Either way, Byron or competing with Byron, it's time to start thinking about the womanly arts. They discuss their respective nights last night -- "Chick flick/popcorn/Cosmo quiz/lights out," Aria says, because she'll be damned if she knows what normal kids do and figures that sad state of things is probably correct -- and Ella's like, "Oh, I went to this opening at the Philadelphia Art Museum even though it was a school night."
She's babbling and acting totally cagey because she feels weird about boning her husband, and of course Aria thinks she's being weird because she knows something about Ezra because the whole universe is about Ezra at all times, but Ella never drops the hammer because she doesn't actually know anything, and the scene is totally stressful.
But just when Aria's finally convinced Ella's not fucking with her or playing mom tricks, that's when it happens: "It was great, it was really exciting to meet the artist! It was really exciting!" The artist that never showed up. So what started out as two or three secrets blossoms into total weirdness and Aria is like, "Okay, liar, let's go shopping?"
This was the Ali fight that Spencer had outside the barn That Night: Spencer was like, "Why are you making me tell Melissa that I kissed her boyfriend?" And Ali specifically said, "I'm not making you do anything, Spencer. I'm telling you by tomorrow morning, Melissa will know everything and there's nothing you can do about it except let her hear it from you first."
(It's my theory and I know this isn't entirely accurate -- Hilton Head, for example -- but if I were writing this show I would make sure that everything Alison ever said was completely true. Literally true. Like the above, to Spencer it seems like Ali is playing a sick game with her and being like, "Nothin' I can do. My evil is unstoppable." But considering how Ali was all mixed up with Ian as well, it's possible somehow that she is telling the truth -- kind of like Hanna saying she had a bad feeling about Philly -- and that it's about saving Spencer from shame rather than forcing her to embarrass herself. Doesn't that seem likely?