Pretty Little Liars

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Sweet Disposition

Aria would like to know why Hanna's so upset -- is it because Sean dumped her? -- but she's got 99 problems and Sean is not one of them. There's an awkward segue related to relationship issues and Hanna's like, "If you guys are having a tough time, statutorially speaking, maybe you should chill out? Or don't go to Philly, where my sabotage will ruin your whole life."

Aria, of course, to her this is like getting stabbed a little bit in the abdomen, so she makes some very awesome rage faces and pulls yet another "Hanna's jealous" hater card out of the deck and spits in Hanna's eye and pulls her hair and runs away to write a poem about it, eyebrows looking deranged as she goes.

At lunch, Spencer is feeling chatty. She asks after Hanna and Aria's like, "Who gives a shit?" Okay, so she turns to Emily about swimming and she doesn't even look at her, and so finally Spencer's like, "Mama's bored, bitches! Talk about something! Aria, let's talk about your pretend date! Let's get jazzed like when you tried to slip me tongue for the tickets! You were parading around like a circus poodle with a parasol and now this? Come on! What will you wear?" Spencer suggests the red dress, and man is she correct about that, as we'll see. It's so sexy, and so sophisticated that you could almost forget you are a pedophile and think you're having an actual mature relationship.

Spencer's like, "Emily, why the stinkeye lasers?" Oh, because Paige McCullers is giving me shit. Spencer's like, Ugh, we played field hockey together. We named a penalty after her." Heh. And so what happened? Some snarky comment about me being gay. "I will destroy her," Spencer vows, just like that: Like RoboCop's underlying secret programming just kicked in. Target fucking acquired.

But also, that's Spencer's deal today: She has to save everybody, twice as hard as usual, because she is the one in the photograph. So Em tells them not to worry about Paige, it's done, she has to be team player girl, and they go through her swag-bag, about which Emily could not care less because it's tainted with Paige's evil lust. Inside, though, there's one of those bracelets we're always gasping about: "Maybe the store owner could tell us who bought the fake Alison bracelet, or even the Jenna one, and we would know who A is!"

Yeah, probably. Probably it will be that simple.

Ella's lecture on the annexation of Poland is the intersection of many vectors: It's about A, it's about Alison, it's about Paige, all at once. Appeasement would never have worked, because as Spencer puts it -- and you think she's talking in general, or because she is 100% made of war; or because she's constantly trying to find and murder A and solve the problem; or because she is consumed with Paige's destruction or maybe already went to Coach. But the reason is that it's all these things, plus the secret conversation she had with Ali that night, which means this is also one of those "We should totally just stab Caesar!" deals -- "You can't ever give in to a bully, because if you give them everything they ask for, it'll still never be enough. Your only choice is to stand up to them, even if it costs you something."

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Pretty Little Liars

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