Paige gets a little pushy, like she sometimes does, sending Emily to an Olympic trainer without informing him of her injury, while setting up a surprise birthday party at her lake house. The trainer tells Em she probably won't be going to college any time soon, and then at the party Emily and Paige (this part was horribly sad!) realize that there's probably no way they're not breaking up at some point this summer, since every lesbian plan they make is apparently doomed to failure. I hope that they don't! Maybe somebody will run over Paige's rotator cuff too -- it will slow her down being so pushy all the time, but more importantly they can be back in total love. Because this "Emily pretending to be asleep for their romantic lakehouse overnight" is some BS.
After overhearing Shana talking about a mysterious "her" and vowing to protect Jenna -- whose sight is quickly failing again -- the Liars decide to force them to attend the party as well. (Mainly so Aria can make vicious blind-people jokes and Spencer can yell at her in a startling way.) Things go from not so great to pretty awful for Jenna early in the evening, when -- while left unattended -- she gets herself konked over the head and dropped in a lake. (The show puts forward the subtle theory that this is either Paige's or Jake's doing, but frankly I like the official story -- CeCe -- best.)
Jenna's still unconscious by episode's end, but Shana's upset enough about her sometimes-girlfriend's sundry medical problems that she gives Spencer some exciting info: One, Alison's dead as far as the B-Team knows, and Two, the person they're all afraid of (Redcoat?) is one CeCe Drake, implying Three: She bashed Jenna's head in with a mannequin leg, her known weapon of choice against snakes and serpents. I just think that whether CeCe is Redcoat or not, she can go ahead and be a villain any time she feels like it. Shit worked out fine for ol' Mona.
Whose amazing gambit last week yields some pretty great Mona-type action, with the result that Ashley's bail is finally set -- at one million dollars! -- and Mona somehow ends up back in her old room at Radley. Hanna, discovered by Pastor Ted demanding the hundred grand from her dad -- screaming into a phone in a public park like a lunatic, which let's face it is just how Hanna lives her life now -- is overjoyed when Ashley comes home to await her trial. Welcome home, Ashley! Does her ankle bracelet monitor for chardonnay? Sadly, yes. Whole other kind of prison now, baby.
Even sadder, silver-foxy-as-ever Pastor Ted makes no bones about having put up the money, which means Ashley is right back in the lasagna box as far as owing dudes for shit. I hate to see Pastor Ted turning creepy, but I suppose until it happens it hasn't happened yet, and I also suppose that this is Rosewood, PA and I was merely living in a fantasy that he wouldn't eventually do that. Meanwhile, Hanna just holds the whole thing against her dad, because she thinks money grows on trees and that those trees are guarded by his new family of money-tree-guarding bitches.
In That Other Show news, Maggie has to deal with a hundred pouty pissy faces from Ezra about moving to Seattle with Malcolm, drawing us into a custody battle not even Veronica Hastings finds less than totally annoying. And Aria spends the whole party jerking Karate Jake around like some kind of sicko until her mindgames have him totally desirous, and so I guess now they're dating. (That Other Show was pretty great this week, to be honest.)
We're stacking A-Tags now, so we see Redcoat breaking into the bottom floor of somebody's house -- maybe the same location as the floor-holes one from last week -- while A shimself is sending Toby sheet music and pouring wine on a piano. Normally Redcoat and A trade off on which one is the totally weird one, so it was kind of nice that they were both doing strange unexplained shit this time.
#WorldWarA is the finale hashtag, which is a thrill but still weeks away. Next week's episode involves Emily moving into Alison's old room (and hopefully getting possessed by her ghost and running around in that blonde wig like I always imagined Maya and then Jason used to do); Ashley's fate once again flips on Hanna (and vice versa); Ezra keeps whining about his horrible kid (while Aria learns about dating guys for the first time ever); and the whole Toby thing with the mom gets crazy once Dr. Heavy-Air comes back into the picture.
Emily, that torn rotator cuff is just ruining her life; it's real-life awful which can be worse than this-show awful, especially if it makes Emily sad, because Emily rules. Jenna's eyesight is going downhill again, but Shana will be there for her through thick and thin, because Shana only likes the truly crazy ladies. None of this Alison DiLaurentis shit for her, no sir: It's Paige and Jenna, all the way. Oh, and Spencer discovered a file on Wilden's relationship to the Great Marion Cavanaugh Mystery, literally nobody cared, Spencer barely cared, and in other news nobody cares about Aria and Ezra and blah blah blah Karate Jake.
And then there's Ashley, who is in jail for a murder she didn't commit, which is very sad because it takes her away from her two great loves, wine and her daughter. (Less sad, apparently, is that it took her away from her wonderful boyfriend Pastor Ted and his many baked goods, who I like about a billion times more than either Ashley or her daughter, I think because they are both secretly still pining for Mr. Marin to come back and forget his horrible other family. Or maybe it's because he gave a drunk werewolf a job, and then forgave him for stealing a bell and leaving town.) Luckily, Mona has turned herself in for the murder, because she is a supergenius and probably decided it would be easier to save (or kill) everybody from inside prison or something.
Gets interrogated. It's neat because she's acting inside of acting, so it comes off fake, but it's for us: We know this is her gift. The only reason the detective doesn't believe her is because her confession isn't matching the evidence exactly, but we won't know that until later, and anyway who knows: It could be that A changed it around so the Liars and/or Mona wouldn't necessarily know the whole story, but I think what's going on is, it's one of those Agatha Christie fakeouts where multiple people dunnit so nobody's story matches up. I can't remember how many bullets were... Found it.
".38-caliber revolver with six chambers, but only four bullets in there." So we know that the gun only fired two bullets. He may have been shot with three, but they found the gun and tested the gun -- they used ballistics testing, if you'll recall -- and there were four bullets in it. So something is hinky. We need Roma Maffia, I think that's what.