Pretty Little Liars
It's Alive!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Tear Off Your Own Head


Hot Little Spencer explores the concept of showing cleavage, which normally is not exactly AP on this show, but considering she usually dresses like a prairie dominatrix this means for her a whole new skillset. Eventually she just pulls her shirt off altogether, which is one way to go. Happy noodlemusic plays as she texts flirtfully with Toby, so of course Melissa shows up with her Nice Sister personality driving for the moment.

Melissa: "Can we talk?"
Spencer: "Melissa, I ruled you out when I was ten. Bygones. Again, sorry about your entire tragic life, but I have a shut-in to make out with right now."

Melissa, awesomely: "Cute outfit. Wearing it for Emily?"
Spencer: Freezes like a motherfucker.

Melissa: "Just kidding, I know you're going to see Toby and I won't tell anybody."
Spencer: "What do you want in return? My blood? My flesh?"
Melissa: "No, I'm just sorry that I said you can't be around the devil baby. We're naming it Taylor because it is gender-ambiguous. Kind of like we named it after you. Also, I don't think Ian left town with that money or whatever -- he wanted this gender-ambiguous devil baby as much as I do. Please just tell me what happened at the church."
Spencer: "I told you a million times."

Melissa, awesomely: "To be honest I wasn't listening, due to I hate you."
Spencer: "You're not going to like it. There are literally zero parts of the story that you are going to like. It does not reflect well on either of us, frankly."
Melissa: "Look. Mom gave me a handful of pills and I'm back to being a normal human being right now, so take advantage of my lucid state. I can actually feel myself turning back into a bitch."
Spencer: "Cool. Let me text Emily and Toby and tell them to be friends again instead of it just being us using Emily to hang out with each other."

Well. Who knows what the rest of their conversation really was about. I could have made the entire thing up, even more than usual. You don't just toss around magical unicorn ideas like Spencer and Emily making out, and then expect a person to pay attention to what happens next.

This year I assumed we'd be redeeming Melissa, since she's a single-mom-to-be whose perfect life has gone down in flames and who's also the widow of a Peeping Pedo and might never get closure on that. After all, every other shitty grownup on this show has already been redeemed once already. Even fucking nasty weirdo Jenna and mean old Pam Fields are okay these days. Mona's dating Noel Kahn, which seems like God's way of telling her she's doing all right and deserves a little something special for herself. Obviously Melissa needs some TLC from the viewership at this point. It's that or Paige's bullshitty father, and I don't see that happening for a while, if at all. (If Paige even still exists, which on this show is not a given.)

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Pretty Little Liars




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