Jesus Christ, Aria... Oh wait, it's not even time to start yelling about that this week. I jumped the gun.
So Spencer hears some mumbles downstairs in the middle of the night -- Ian and Melissa having come back from their mysterious secret staycation honeymoon -- and I don't know what they're talking about. Possibly that Tree, lots of Secrets, and I do believe they mention Miss DiLaurentis a couple times. Anyway, they're jumpy so Spencer runs back upstairs while Melissa makes sure nobody's listening in, and A texts Spencer just then to ask if their marriage is even real, or just a great alibi for that time last year when he was a known pedophile and also killed a girl. Even Spencer has to be like, "Yeah, I can't see a way to pin this one on Toby."
But I think the Liars are still assuming that A(s) and the killer are different people, and finally will come to the smart conclusion that, in addition to fucking with them because they deserve it, A is also trying to help them track the killer. Or both, because there is more than one A, or they are all A, and you are A and I am A and Will Farrell is A and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Of all those, I still say Maggie. She's just so off-putting. Did you see Sherrybaby? How absolutely appalling that movie was. I thought nothing could be worse than mumblecore until I saw that movie and now I just don't go to movies at all, in case they're like Sherrybaby. I can't let that happen to me again, I love me way too much. Sayonara, Sherry. Later skater, Sherrybaby.
Next morning Spencer's freaking gorgeous face decides to get to the bottom of Ian's whole deal. She brings up Hilton Head like immediately, and throws out Alison's name for the hell of it, but she can't read his pokerface so she just lies all, "No, that wasn't me creeping around in the middle of the night listening to your creepy conversation you were having in my living room, despite the fact that you fully live in another, separate structure on this property, and thus had no reason to be doing so. Was it interesting? This conversation I don't know about?"
Finally realizing something us up in Spencertown, Ian levels with her: "Listen, Spence, um... I know our decision to get married was sudden, and... Yeah, I get that it's thrown you, but... You know, we're family now. I hope you start thinking of me like that." This whole conversation he's cooking breakfast; I can't exactly say why, but something about this is very menacing.
Also cooking: Aria's wormy dad and all his plastic surgery. I miss her mom so, so much. How's she doing? Well, she's dating. Apparently Dad went on a date with her last night which turned out to be a meeting about how she's seeing other people. Of course Dad can't point the finger -- given that it was his fucking a student that A) ended his marriage and B) where do you think Ezra came from, while we're on the subject -- but this admission sends cute little Mikey over the edge: