Emily's dad is officially gone -- maybe that's why she's being weird -- which means it's just Emily, Maya and Pam's Homophobia in the house these days. The Liars all coo and aww and whatever about their lesbian love affair, and it's squirmingly uncool but not in a gay way: That's just how teenagers are: Flesh-crawlingly into each other's sex lives. It Gets Better, y'all.

Unless you never come out of the closet at all. Take Noel Kahn, for example, who comes pirouetting into Ezra's classroom to make this observation: "Nice vest. This is your Teacher Look, right?" His point being that A) he is too gay to function and B) he's real observant about things. Things like who Ezra's dick is in, and how old they are. They have a carbon-copy of the "change my grade" fight from last week, and Ezra refuses, and Noel doesn't even get that, like why with the honor and sticking to your guns, and Ezra because he is insufferable goes, "If you have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand my answer."

Ugh. And if that weren't enough to get his dander up, Noel's also laboring under one of those grades v. football issues, which makes this paper a serious and urgent matter. Noel applies some more pressure, and finally Ezra caves and says he'll read the paper, which Noel says he's rewritten. All I know is, if you're that capable of condescending to teenagers, then you are for sure a statutory rapist if you sleep with them. You're either down here in the mud with us, or up in the tower with the rest of the olds.

Although it helps to answer the question, What do the guys on this show do when the Liars aren't around? I would have guessed "Stand around staring creepily at each other," and it turns out I would have been 100% correct in that assumption.

Toby shows up at school and it is totally hardcore dreadful for him, even Spencer's touched. Somebody wrote KILLER on his locker, because I guess HOLLOW-EYED RELUCTANT SISTER-FUCKER is too long to all fit on there.

Hanna's got PT after school, so she can't have coffee with Aria's blue feather earrings, but she does have time to hit the cupcake store, where A has sent her to eat a dozen cupcakes in public. Of course, Noel's creeping around the whole time, and of course, all the cupcakes have piggy faces in the icing, and Noel stares and stares, and it's all very horrifying. But does she do it? You bet your ass she does. Sad music and all.