I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Jesus Christ, Aria... Oh wait, it's not even time to start yelling about that this week. I jumped the gun.
So Spencer hears some mumbles downstairs in the middle of the night -- Ian and Melissa having come back from their mysterious secret staycation honeymoon -- and I don't know what they're talking about. Possibly that Tree, lots of Secrets, and I do believe they mention Miss DiLaurentis a couple times. Anyway, they're jumpy so Spencer runs back upstairs while Melissa makes sure nobody's listening in, and A texts Spencer just then to ask if their marriage is even real, or just a great alibi for that time last year when he was a known pedophile and also killed a girl. Even Spencer has to be like, "Yeah, I can't see a way to pin this one on Toby."
But I think the Liars are still assuming that A(s) and the killer are different people, and finally will come to the smart conclusion that, in addition to fucking with them because they deserve it, A is also trying to help them track the killer. Or both, because there is more than one A, or they are all A, and you are A and I am A and Will Farrell is A and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Of all those, I still say Maggie. She's just so off-putting. Did you see Sherrybaby? How absolutely appalling that movie was. I thought nothing could be worse than mumblecore until I saw that movie and now I just don't go to movies at all, in case they're like Sherrybaby. I can't let that happen to me again, I love me way too much. Sayonara, Sherry. Later skater, Sherrybaby.
Next morning Spencer's freaking gorgeous face decides to get to the bottom of Ian's whole deal. She brings up Hilton Head like immediately, and throws out Alison's name for the hell of it, but she can't read his pokerface so she just lies all, "No, that wasn't me creeping around in the middle of the night listening to your creepy conversation you were having in my living room, despite the fact that you fully live in another, separate structure on this property, and thus had no reason to be doing so. Was it interesting? This conversation I don't know about?"
Finally realizing something us up in Spencertown, Ian levels with her: "Listen, Spence, um... I know our decision to get married was sudden, and... Yeah, I get that it's thrown you, but... You know, we're family now. I hope you start thinking of me like that." This whole conversation he's cooking breakfast; I can't exactly say why, but something about this is very menacing.