Hanna: Better friends. Even Mona's never huffed paint, for God's sake.
So Aria's all like, "Luckily, Maya's an amazing person," and it's that -- combined with the fact that she is a forty-year-old woman masquerading as a high school student -- which will help her get through this in the end.
Then A sends them a present: "Don't say I never gave you anything. Turn on your computer." And they do, and there's the Kissing Rock video. Including the whole part where Alison turns the camera around and her secret boyfriend is Ian... And the even secreter part where he apparently kills her ass. Or gives her a screaming orgasm, one of the two.
The Liars shriek 1) once when they see Ian's face, 2) again when Alison drops to the ground and starts clutching at the dirt, and 3) finally when that mysterious shape goes zooming past Spencer's window. It is awesome how much and how many times they all jump in the air and scream, in a very short amount of time, and then they run out into the woods yelling for A -- "Bitch moves fast," I think Spencer laughs -- and of course they miss her entirely. Or it's Lucas, you know. Or Noel.
Or Jenna. I like to think that Jenna's blindness has given her Native American cocaine powers where she can just sort of run through the woods really fast without being tracked or leaving a single sign.
Next week: Hanna and Ashley take up go-go dancing to support their shared pill habit, eventually moving into a great big house in East Hampton where they can feed the raccoons and trim the privet in peace, with only Toby Cavanaugh the Marble Faun to keep them company. Spencer carries all of Ian's shit to Philly on her own back, stopping only to forage for food, in a desperate attempt to finally live in a barn.
After walking in on Noel and Sean doin' it, Ezra realizes he never loved Aria and is in fact just a garden-variety pedo; he turns himself in for chemical castration, taking along Jenna Cavanaugh for moral support. They open a halfway house for creeps together, and Byron becomes their handyman. Mona makes a deal with the devil to take control of D&D Advertising for good, but it backfires on her in a shocking way that could have grave consequences for the whole apartment complex.
Ella Montgomery reveals that she's been working for the CIA this whole time, and goes back under deep cover after telling Mike a secret about his parentage that will leave you reeling. Maya joins the Polyphonic Spree, causing Emily to break the fuck up with her -- ironically, just as her mother is deciding that Maya's newfound creepy Christian values make her the perfect daughter-in-law!