Also cooking: Aria's wormy dad and all his plastic surgery. I miss her mom so, so much. How's she doing? Well, she's dating. Apparently Dad went on a date with her last night which turned out to be a meeting about how she's seeing other people. Of course Dad can't point the finger -- given that it was his fucking a student that A) ended his marriage and B) where do you think Ezra came from, while we're on the subject -- but this admission sends cute little Mikey over the edge:
"That's just so you, Dad. You lie and cheat, but you draw the line at hypocrisy. You're such a role model!"
Well, true. But if ever there is a scene that doesn't end with Mike Montgomery running for the hills crying about his father's leadership skills, I will duplicate Aria's outfit at that precise moment and wear it out the following Friday evening. I might even twiddle soulfully on a Casio while staring into space and reciting poetry, if I get drunk enough. If there is a feather -- and there are feathers right now as I'm looking at her pretty, doomed little face -- I will even wear the feather. That Bastard Feather.
At coffee with the Liars, Spencer puts on a fairly awesome Southern accent and confirms that Ian was totally staying at Hilton Head the day before Alison vanished, which means... I don't know what exactly but it's a big deal. Stuff we already knew but which is Spencer's major storyline this week, so it blurs in my memory between who knows what, and what was, and what is yet to be.
Feedback from Liars: Firstly, Ali hated old people so why was she happy when she came home. Second, Georgia is actually not in South Carolina, as we've previously discussed. But so what, because "Alison lied more than she breathed," quote Emily, and why would that make Ian kill her anyway?
"I thought you'd be happy to hear it was anybody but Toby," Spencer complains, and Emily -- rather than responding to that hilarious statement -- starts mooning over exposition instead, in a really confusing way: "All Toby wanted was for me to believe him, and I didn't." Not that that has anything to do with what we're talking about, but okay. But then also Spencer cannot let it go, so she goes, "Toby lied about a lot of things too," and Emily's only response before FBI Agent Cooper comes walking out of the cafÃ© is, "If lying was a crime, we would all be in jail." Because we're liars, Spencer. Pretty, pretty little ones.
Ashley Marin is shocked when her daughter thanks her for the ride to coffee, but honestly if you were Hanna don't you think you'd be grateful anytime you made it to your destination? Hanna and cars are like Jenna Cavanuagh and a laser show: When she's not crashing them from behind the wheel, she's denting them with her face. Redux on the whole stolen money thing, with the final line: "It's only a felony if they find out," which is like the most comforting line a mother on this show has ever uttered.