Ian comes in and threatens to beat up Melissa's body for telling Spencer about their babymaking idea, but Spence covers and says she found out on her own, and has no opinions beyond how it's disgusting to think that his Eddie Munster face will be passed down another generation, and Ian's like, "Oh, I know Spencer can keep a secret. Like how I molested her when she was a child, for just one example off the top of my head."
Hanna, why are you fussing with that unlucky lasagna box? "I'm not, I'm cooking it! Carbs are no longer a problem for me!" Hanna, why are you really fussing with the lasagna box? "Because I have to cram all this money in it!" Hanna, how did you get that money? "Eating cupcakes and shaming myself!" Hanna, how did you really get that money? "I found it! A wad of hundies on the floor of Lucky Leon's Cupcake Hut & Vomitorium." Hanna, why didn't you return it to the manager? "You, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!" Hanna, are we going to keep this money? "I'll keep eating cupcakes and making my dime, you just worry about spending it little lady." Hanna, I'm your mother so I always know when you're lying. But I'm also about the flakiest person that ever lived, so I accept your terms.
Hanna wonders if she really does have a tell -- Ashley's not giving that one up -- and then stares herself in the mirror: "I am still a virgin." Real or not real? Real or not real: "I am not a virgin."
Am I supposed to know what that was about? Because one of them is a lie and one of them isn't, and I thought she was still a virgin, so I guess this is a thing where she doesn't want people to know that... Right, so yeah, which is why she was all over Sean's poor gay dick that time and then stole his car, when we saw just how much awesome shit can happen when ol' Hanna turns it up to eleven. We need another Hanna rampage STAT.
And over on this channel, the Lifetime Original Movie Aria & Ezra: A Couple Of Queerbutts.
Nope, no sir, no today. I get that Aria's a special princess -- and the all-important Shusher -- and that their relationship is the big thing of the show, and the show knows what it's doing, and 'shippers are the toxic but all-powerful Big Tobacco Lobby of all entertainment now, but God those two just make me want to sit on a knife.
So now it's morning and there's this amazing scene where Spencer hilariously corrects Hanna's pronunciation of "nuclear" -- clearly the funniest and best thing in this whole episode -- in reference to Melissa's oncoming scourge of a Rosemary's Baby, and they're like, "Either Ian has brainwashed her with his molester powers, or, you know, Melissa is a bad-ass, which we know to be true... So it's a conundrum." Spencer's going to have to go through those boxes of evidence Ian has helpfully supplied. But before they can talk about that more, Emily runs up under a black and heavy cloud of lesbian trauma, because Maya's off to juvie camp for three months. What happened? "My mother, that's what happened."