Emily relaxes on her bed, chatting with Maya on the phone about this and that and asking what life is like at the old folks' home where Maya lives when she's not pretending to be a high schooler, and then her dad comes in to bother her about Toby. So they have this whole conversation where he's like, "I know something is dreadfully wrong and I have to assume it's the sister-fucking murderer you took to Homecoming who is now in FBI custody," and just when you're getting totally frustrated with their inability to communicate, sweet little Emily starts crying and just goes, "I'm gay. I'm gay." It's stunning and beautiful and her dad is just standing there like his arms went numb, and then of course we cut to another scene.
Spencer and Aria head out into the woods to check out that tree for some reason, and Spencer messes with her endlessly about how she could be so stupid slash gross as to take up sex with a teacher, and her best line -- "Part of me thinks this is really self-destructive behavior, but most of me just thinks it's really hot" -- comes right before they discover the tree... Which has been cut down, because in addition to being absurdly ubiquitous, apparently A is also a lumberjack. I am sticking with the forum posters who imagined Melissa out there in the middle of the night chopping that fucker down, because it's hilarious and because you know she has the perfect outfit ready for some late-night lumberjacking.
Emily listens to her parents have The Conversation, in which her mom admits she had the photographs well before he came home, but also that she thinks Maya has brought her lesbian California ways into their home and that Emily is being brainwashed. Dad -- and I admit they got me with this storyline, I assumed mom would be cool and dad would come home all patriarchy and send her back into the closet -- points out that she is a pretty awesome kid, and that compared to being dead back in Afghanistan, having sex with ladies is not the worst thing he's seen lately. Mom is not having it. Not only is it not really Emily doing this, but also it's straight-up wrong to be gay, which means either her daughter is Wrong or just Confused. Dad's not so sure about that, and tries to stress the importance of compassion during a very stressful time in Emily's life, but you know, her mom just sucks. We'll see what happens there, but like I said: Dreadfully accurate.
Spencer and Aria go back to Spencer's house to freak out -- "A tree, Spence? An entire tree?" -- and then Ian comes in from the barn with a bottle of champagne, which he offers to share with the two teenage girls, because he is the biggest creeper on this show. But then Melissa comes in looking joyful and absolutely gorgeous in a white dress, and the scary truth is revealed: They have gotten married. Melissa's overjoyed because this means Wren didn't leave her, she is just getting back together with her old flame like the last year didn't happen, and they both babble so much that the girls don't really say anything until they're gone and then Aria's just like, "The fuck just happened?"