(Toby calls, of course, for their hourly meeting of the People Who Murdered Alison DiLaurentis Club so he can read the minutes; Melissa and Mrs. Hastings play keepaway with Spencer's phone for over an hour, tossing it back and forth over her head, because even though Spencer's Mom is actually pretty rad, and wrong about very little but especially not this, nobody escapes Melissa's black hole of suck.)
Hanna's still being super sad and Ashley's super worried about her, but I guess she's still going to wait for Hanna to explain herself and her sadness and what she's done with Caleb. Before Ashley can extend the "mental health day" privilege -- parentally known as the nuclear option for when things really are that bad -- Mona Vanderwaal appears with a sound like a big pink gum-bubble bursting and annoyingly asks if she can "steal" some coffee. I hate that, don't do it.
Mona: "I'm around so seldom that I can be pretty much bent into any shape this show requires, so this time I'm going for violently loyal. I can't wait to kill Caleb and I wish I could get in my time machine and kill him backwards because I'm such a good friend."
Ashley: "So you know the details of this breakup?"
Mona: "No ma'am, I do not."
Hanna: "My life is misery."
Ashley: "Is there any other level to your motivations in this episode? Besides how you're totally A?"
Mona: "No ma'am, there is not."
At school, Caleb comes to Aria with apologies in his wet puppy eyes, but Aria just stabs him in the ribcage and keeps walking. The only notable thing about this is how insanely adorable Ella is, walking by and being like, OMG is that the boy you like? He is so cute! and Aria being simultaneously mortified by her mother, scared by the continued inquiry after last week's sexting debacle, and also trying to be as mean to Caleb as possible while still maintaining her precocious idea of what dignity entails. It's so great it nearly makes up for Aria's next scene, which frankly I found to be For The Birds.
Nearby, Paige giggles crazily and pulls Emily into an alcove so they can talk about how they're going to see Passion Pit after all but she's bringing along a third wheel so her dad won't think she's doing lesbian things. It's not a fake boyfriend, it's just an extra chaperone kind of a thing, and it's totally dumb. But also Paige is making strides, like she has contacted a gay student group at a prep school in town to find out how best to tell your parents that you are a lesbian. If the haircut's not getting the job done, I guess.
Paige worries about meeting with the pride group, though, because their school is "like two miles from here," which confused me before just now, because I thought she was saying she couldn't make it there despite taking Emily to faraway bars in the woods, but I realize now that she's saying it's too close for comfort. Emily suggests that she meet one of these lesbians live and in person, and offers to come along. So they can discuss with some other person the thing Emily is always trying to explain to Paige. I must admit I don't fully understand this plan, but I do applaud Paige for having a plan at all and for talking about it so clearly for young viewers who maybe could use this kind of group support to help them figure out some things.
Aria... This is so stupid. She comes up to Ezra all "we need to talk" and then a few seconds later she's like, "Can we just talk about this later?" and "Can't we just do this over dinner?" and it's like, you are the one that made such a big deal about talking about something -- what it is, is never clear, it's like, are they going to the festival or not, which the answer is no, you're not going to the festival together, what the fuck are you talking about Aria -- and now you're acting like he's pressuring you in some way other than to get to the end of your sentence, and that's annoying. Like in a whole new way, where generally Aria is all about drama? But at least there's a point.
And even more so, it's annoying because of the intense amount of business that is going on the whole time they're having this bullshit conversation that makes no sense, which is that she keeps splashing his coffee all over him for no reason, and Ella, I don't know, exists and that's a problem, and Aria produces copious napkins from her purse at one point, and it's so ludicrous and at the end it's zero-sum, because: Before now, they were going to have dinner. Now, they're going to have dinner. So well done acting like a total fucking freak for no reason, Montgomery. And sorry that your pedo boyfriend can't take you to the Children of the Corn Festival you people are having this weekend.
Hanna finally sits down with Caleb to grill him about why Jenna wolfed him into her basement, and Caleb says that okay, the thing Jenna actually wanted was a key. A mysterious key, which Hanna's dead friend Alison might have given her, or one of her girls, and which is -- like every episode in the back half of this season -- some hugely important prop that has never come up in all the conversations these girls constantly have about this shit.
"Remember how our best friend broke that girl's neck at that party we saw Ian raping people at?"
"No, but do you remember that very important key or thumb drive or laptop or video camera or golfing trophy or sweater or tree stump or bracelets bracelets bracelets?"
"No, but do you remember how weird Jason was being at the funeral and how he talks so weird?"
"No, but do you remember Old Mrs. Potter's young nephew who was impersonating somebody else and wasn't really an architect?"
"No, but do you remember that one adorable cop from Popular that was up our asses for weeks and then just vanished into Hanna's Mom's boudoir like the little sister on Family Matters?"
"Nope, but do you remember Noel Kahn?"
Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes ma'am I do.
Caleb: "Hanna. What's with you guys and Jenna Cavanaugh?"
Hanna: "We blinded her. We blew her up, and now she's blind. And I slapped the shit out of her last week in the bathroom. Also, I think she has magic powers."
Caleb: "I really miss you. Every time an owl hoots and swoops toward its prey, I'll..."
Hanna: "-- Um, yeah. I still kinda feel like a ho? Peace."
At the professor's love nest, Aria discovers a Facebook picture of Ezra sitting in Italy with some girl that looks like Ezra and is wearing an engagement ring. Since Ezra is not currently in Italy, and you can't get photographs from the future, this picture is clearly from the past and has no bearing on reality. Aria, as reality's number one enemy, sees things differently; immediately she assumes that she has been trapped into a polygamist lifestyle. The only interesting thing here is that when Aria says the word "romantic" Spencer immediately changes the subject to Toby Cavanaugh. Which, I had totally forgotten about their awesome motel parking-lot kiss until just now.
Liars: "Let's spend an entire scene listing thirty-seven thousand things that a key might unlock. Houses, tennis club lockers, whatever."
Hanna: "I feel kind of violated about this whole key/Caleb thing."
Liars: (More of Mona's sort of weirdly intense circling-the-wagons violent hatred heading Caleb's way.)
Aria, of course: "Let's not be too hasty. Sometimes nosy people are still very artistic and grown up for their age."
Spencer & Hanna: "Wrong. We are going to rip off his head and piss down his neck."
Emily: "I see I'm going to have to throw down some Emily right now."
Aria: "We are going to talk about me if I have to slap all three of you bitches in the face."
Liars: "Fine. Is it about Ezra?"
Aria: "You know it."
Liars: "Ugh. Proceed."
Aria: "Here's my problem..."
Liars: "Not actually a problem, Aria."
Aria: "They were eating g