Pretty Little Liars

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Taylor Doose Will Have His Revenge
elato in Italy."
Liars: "Oh, well. That changes everything."

Hanna: "I will fucking kill him."
Aria: "Um... For what?"
Hanna: "WHADDAYA GOT."

Some ridiculous scheme involving Facebook, but every time Aria's mouth says Facebook it's dubbed over so Lucy Hale says "website" instead, like, "I saw his website page," which is the first problem, but super funny. Like Tim & Eric funny to hear the people on this show -- which is even more about social media than Gossip Girl is -- and they're talking about his "website page" in these serious voices. Brilliant.

The second, majorer problem is the concept that she wouldn't already have seen his "website page" and they would have already had the fight about how he doesn't have one because he is a teacher and then probably he would make one and his codename would be Seymour Glass and she would be his only friendster on the Facebook because that is how they roll. It's not like she just heard of Facebook, or in this case "website pages"; not even Aria is that disingenuous/pretentious that she would avoid Facebook. I mean, she would say "I don't own a TV" for sure, but she isn't old enough to have that "I don't Facebook" disease the older versions of her particular type of douchebag can have.

And then the third problem is the scheme itself, which is where they pretend to be an alumna from the school where Ezra and this gelato-sucking whore went to school and then, I don't know what. Befriendster her on the Facebook and act real sketch for no reason. Pretend to be friends, find out if polygamy is on the menu, see if she's into a threesome, get incriminating pictures of her sucking some other pedophile's gelato, who knows: Hanna is just firing blindly into the crowd this week, and only Aria seems to be confused about that.

Spencer drops by Toby's house to make sure they are still in love, and they are. Of course he did not assume that she planted the sweater in his stuff after she killed her own best friend, because that's the kind of fevered paranoid thinking that only Spencer indulges. They decide to meet up at the Funhouse at the Festival, because it is a metaphor.

As Spencer is leaving Toby's house of horrors -- Jenna's all, "Toby, stop fixing your bike and being in love and drive me someplace so I can do dark magicks and whatnot" -- that cop who's suddenly everywhere is suddenly everywhere. Garrett's position is that he is on Spencer's side but that he is in uniform and thus has to do his job.

Spencer, awesomely: "Well, if you put on a pair of jeans this would be called stalking."
Garrett, also fairly awesomely: "Look. If being trailed is gonna help clear your name, better it's me than someone who thinks you're guilty."

I like how there are now males you can actually trust, like, the show is willing to posit that they exist. I mean, Lucas was sort of 60/40, and Caleb was -- don't tell Hanna I said this but you know I'm right -- about 80/20, and now you got Garrett who is just straight-up transparently saying, there's a system and I'm in it, and you Little Liars are not, and that doesn't necessarily need to be a problem.

Emily goes to meet Paige for some unnecessary lesbian pedagogy, but Paige never shows up. The girl Samara is very hot, and very into Emily, and you can see Emily weigh the options of like, you are relatively stable if you're willing to meet for coffee to talk to some insane bike-suicidist about her silly closet problems, versus the whirlwind of dysfunction that is Paige. I mean, Pam Fields wouldn't necessarily love Samara, would not be over the moon about her having a vagina for example, but God. At least she's a person and not a collection of annoying revolutionary tics, or a drowner with a nutty haircut.

(Honestly, I've tried to imagine the scene where Emily presents Paige to her mother, and I think it's literally unwritable. The film would catch fire from the weirdness. There is no narrative reason to have this happen, frankly, unless her hot skinny angry dad were there... How great though, if Paige and Emily ended up sisters!? Interrobang! "Moommmm, Paige tried to drown me and lock me in the closet and give me a shitty haircut!" Honey, I'm still trying to explain to your dad why I picked this hot dickhead when he's clearly the only truly wonderful man in Rosewood.)

Hanna: "This is how we murder Ezra's brain using Facebook."
Aria: "Yeah, I was just kinda... You know how sometimes you can't think of anything to talk about, so you talk about what you're thinking about when you don't have anything to think about? Like, boys? You know how when you're exhausted of thinking topics so you think about whatever boy you like? It was like that, but with my mouth."
Hanna: "If I don't ruin one motherfucker by the end of this conversation, I will go Drunk Emily so fast. You will pay the price. I got anger."
Aria: "Then yes, by all means let's stalk this random girl using the magic of website pages."

Samara: "So I'm gonna assume you're just being super weird by being all my friend the lesbian should be here shortly."
(It's really cute because of course what are you going to say? "Yeah, I'm totally hot and stable and well-adjusted, like yourself, but I am here with my insane suicidal homicidal girlfriend. Wait until you see her haircut.")
Samara: "Okay, I believe that you're not this 'Paige,' and I'm supportive of her journey and all that, but let me tell you a shortcut, which is that if you exclusively date bisexual and closeted people, it's 100% drama and plus you end up like Jacob."
Emily: "...Sobering. That is food for thought. I haven't even mentioned her many attempts to off me."

Anyway, they get into the mess because I don't know if you know any lesbians but what they like to talk about is feelings and feelings and feelings. Especially about their S.O. lesbian partner-friends, or also people who are not there: People who could be doing better with their feelings and their feelings and their feelings and let's talk about it for about like a hundred million years. And the best thing about it is, they are not being bitches; quite the opposite. They just honestly think this is the main issue of life.

And maybe it is -- probably it totally is -- but I'm not a lesbian so I don't know, but it seems to work for them okay.

Samara: "I make homemade jewelry with an organic collective of like-minded progressive womyn and we will be selling it at the Founders' Day Festival despite several of our womansisters -- we don't like to say 'members' -- our womansisters' resistance to the entire idea of 'founders' because it's phallocentric and like what about the non-white non-male non-founder founders, but momma's got get her bulgur wheat money somewhere, so you should come by. You can pay by barter, spirulina, or like PayPal."
Emily: "Um, you had me at how hot you are. Like three hours ago. That, and how you haven't tried to blackmail or murder me, which is a total first."
Samara: "So yeah, just bring all your belongings in a U-Haul. I will supply the first cat."

Sean's mom is whatever, nonentity, and Melissa and Ian the Happy Couple are like, "You're so cute!" and Mrs. Hastings is all, "We have so much Christian non-suspicious fun together as a family!" and it's real gross and you know Spence can't deal. Mrs. Ackard awkwardly (and I don't mean like it's awkward how she does it, I mean there is no real reason for her to mention it so it's awkward) mentions the whole "remember how your daughter's best friend died and probably your daughter over there murdered her," and weird faces commence.

Ackard: "Oh, completely unrelated to what we were talking about, I'm thinking of vacationing either in a list of places that make sense together, like Hawaii, or possibly Hilton Head, SC. Do any of you Hastings family members have anything super weird to say about that out of nowhere?"
Spencer: "Mrs. Ackard, I would love to say something out of left field that is totally weird about Hilton Head, SC."
Melissa: "I can't wait to add more things that are clearly lies, meaning even my whole abortion/miscarriage story was a lie and we're back at square one!"
Ackard: "Cool, that's me done for the day. I'm a plot device!"

Ian: "Spencer, what the fuck."
Spencer: "The usual fuck! Duh."
Melissa: "Why are you so like how you are?"
Spencer: "The only abortion here is your lies."

Ian: "Take one fucking day off a week, little lady."
Spencer: "I am Spencer Hastings. I got voices in my head telling me to be righteous and destroy everything all the time until the only thing left is the truth."
Melissa: "But I mean, we all know that whatever the truth is about all this, it's twice as sad and half as incriminating. I'm actually a fairly pathetic character no matter how you slice it."
Spencer: "I will not rest until my entire family is all dead or in jail. Or that guy that worked at the tennis club comes back, from the footlocker where I locked him the last time I was convinced everybody was A."
Mrs. Hastings: "Good point! I haven't gotten drunk in a while, that'

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Pretty Little Liars

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