A mysterious Spencer flashback reveals that home was not a particularly safe place for Alison. Of course, Spencer can identify: Melissa's continuing to creep about (and possibly forgetting parts of their childhood), their parents are still gone despite a record number of awful things happening to their daughters over a couple of weeks, Jason might be harboring Ian next door, and mysterious assailants could be jumping out at you from anywhere at any time.
Her solution, which indicates she's not operating at full capacity: Hock Melissa's wedding ring, buy Toby a truck, and get them both out of their unnatural sister-situations forever. In the end, we learn that Melissa's been sneaking out to see Wren (!), not Ian -- which could mean it was never Ian's baby at all and thus is not Of Satan.
Aria's first half-day at college involves Jackie Molina immediately figuring out that her ex-fiancé is dating a child, and then ending up in a Ceramics class with Creepy Jenna Cavanaugh, whom you might remember as the girl Aria and her friends 1) set on fire, 2) blinded, and 3) beat up later in the bathroom.
Aria pretends her name is "Anita" so Jenna won't get creepy on her, but Jenna ends up making friends with the Anita cover personality, breaking down in front of her due to the burden of blindness, and generally showing a good deal more vulnerability and heart than we've seen... And then, inevitably enough, Aria takes all of five seconds to screw that pooch, putting Jenna back on the offensive.
No word on Mona or Noel Kahn this week, but I'm sure they're fine. Off being A, one imagines, or killing everybody. Planning one of those festivals they have in Rosewood at all times.
When Hanna's not sabotaging her father's relationship with his new fiancée, the better to help Ashley seduce him back into their lives, she's attempting to help Lucas find love. In both cases, she really couldn't tell you why she's doing it -- my theories, of course, feature heavily the fact that Caleb "Shake Off & Air Dry" Cyberwolf is now living at Lucas's house, using his shower, taking him camping -- but it's fun, and sweet, to watch her attempt to help people for once. Yes, it's going to suck when she manages to betray Lucas yet again, but on the other hand, maybe he or Emily -- or both -- will get to go on another drunken tirade about it.
Speaking of Emily, she comes thiiiiis close to sending the fake recruiter letter to her mom, trying to keep from moving to Texas, but at the last minute -- after a sweet It Gets Better conversation that might choke you up a little -- tears the letter to tiny little crisis-averted pieces. But never fear: A has no intention of letting her prey escape Rosewood, and reengineers the letter herself, so now Emily's got the whole family on board with fraud she didn't even mean to perpetrate.
I guess the lesson learned is, being glad that A was leaving Hanna alone this season meant overlooking the implication for everybody else. Because if good old Emily becomes A's new creative-torture target, this show is about to get a hundred times darker.
Previously: Oh, previously. Lots of Emily swimming and lying and pretending she was going to get recruited by this college. Melissa's fiancé fell in love with Spencer, as per usual; she's now sneaking around at all times bearing much news of devil babies and zombie lovers. Aria lost her shit about Jackie Molina sixteen times and her boyfriend was like, "This relationship with a teenager is so immature." Ian is possibly alive, despite his strangulation, and maybe living in the yard of the girl he killed. Jenna and Garrett have a Jason Thing they've got going on. The Liars are still technically broken up, but not very good at it. Oh, everybody's house continues to get broken into and they're all just like, "Darn it, again?"
AT THE OLD MOVIE OF JEKYLL & HYDE I THINK
The Theory Now: Jason is hiding Ian in the old DiLaurentis house, which explains Melissa's constant creeping and Aria's bizarre idea that Jason is building fences to keep dogs from discovering him.
Spencer: "Jason is a wastoid from way back. Taking in creeps is something they do. Ask Hanna's mom."
Aria: "It's going to be hard spying on Melissa when we can't even hang out, like at old movie theatres, such as what we're doing right now, and also all the time."
A: Lurks, the film burns out, he comes running with a flashlight directly at them.
Liars: Scream, can't find their shoes.
IT WAS JUST A DREAM
Spencer: Wakes up on the Hastings couch getting molested by Melissa.
Melissa: "Don't mind me, I was just looking for my ring, which I left in the cushions of this couch because of water weight. Devil babies make you retain like a mother."
Spencer: "You know what this reminds me of is getting molested by each and every one of your boyfriends."
Melissa: "Don't be gross. It's very important that I find this ring. Zombies take the sacrament of marriage very seriously."
Spencer: "Can I answer the phone for you? I love answering your phone and staring at you all the time and being up in your shit."
Melissa: "Keep looking for my ring, I have to go have sketchy convos."
Spencer: "Cool. Talk in a low murmur at the top of the stairs while I stare up in the night looking absolutely gorgeous, okay?"
Melissa: "Like anybody could have a conversation on this show that you can overhear. Unless you have Jenna Cavanaugh Daredevil powers."