HASTINGS IN THE AM
Spencer: "He was yelling at Alison's mom so bad!"
Aria: "I'm interested but only because you mentioned Jason in this story."
Spencer: "Here, have a quart of black coffee."
Aria: "I'm pretentious, but this is a lot of coffee."
Spencer: "So then he lied! To my face! Can you imagine that, somebody in my family lying right to my face."
Aria: "Let's not judge Jason too harshly. He's got a lot going on in his life, like possibly killing our friend and having secret people in his house and maybe multiple personalities and possibly he dresses up like his dead sister."
Spencer: "Are you totally in love with Jason DiLaurentis now?"
Aria: "I'm glad you asked. Things are really complic..."
Spencer: "-- Email from Jason's mom. Oh, shit."
DRUNK LUNCH WITH MRS. D
Alison's mom is so pretty. Remember that show Less Than Perfect? She was always my favorite part of that show, that wonderful show. We were so much more innocent back then! Sara Rue was all fat and sexy, and Sherri Shepherd hadn't even begun to lose her goddamn mind, and now look at us. Look at Andy Dick. Look at Zachary Levi. Time keeps on slippin'. Anyway, now Alison's mom is crazy drunk.
Mom: "Hanna? What are you going to order?"
Hanna: "Um, salad."
Mom: "Ali would be proud of you. Ya fat-ass."
Aria: "So you must be glad Jason's back, huh? I know I am!"
Nobody: (Cares, still. Aria, try harder! Drop even more hints!)
Mom: "I hate that house, I hate my son, I don't care about anything. He is a druggie with mysterious 'family' money that he used to rebuy the wreckage of my former life. And meanwhile my disgusting twit of a monster daughter is dead, dead, dead."
She slurps a fourth Bloody Mary down in one effortless gulp, and then passes out boxes to all four girls containing couture dresses that Alison never had a chance to wear due to getting fucked on camera, and then murdered, in the great outdoors.