THE BASICALLY FUNCTIONING MONTGOMERYS

Ella: "You look beautiful! And you'll be happy to know that your brother is taking to the talking cure like a first-year teacher to his nubile young students."
Aria: "That's a relief. Sorry you got abused."
Ella: "I'm just sorry that I didn't take his illness seriously enough and then tried to cover it up and then asked you to lie about it. I feel about this big right now."
Aria: "You are not a bad mother, you are a great mother. Shit happens. Sometimes the right thing is the super fucked up thing and you just have to hate yourself for awhile. I get it. We're good."
Ella: Just this wordless sorrow. Ugh, I love her so much.
Ding-dong.
Aria: "You just take a bath and drink Ashley Marin amounts of wine, I'll get the door. Surely nothing terrible can happen so close to all the other horrible things that are happening all around us this morning, to everybody."

Jackie: "Hey, bitch!"
Aria: "I will sic my mom on you so fast. Did you see what she did to Paige's dad? She doesn't fight unless provoked, but she will cut you."
Jackie, verbatim: "Scary, isn't it? Playing with fire?"
Aria: "You talk like Alison. Or Kate."
Jackie: "I just discovered the logical flaw in your plan to get Ezra to yourself..."
Aria: "-- Which I already have, loser. You lose."
Jackie: "Not when I tell everybody that he was holding hands with you at To Kill A Mockingbird Academy, you won't."

Aria, who by the way stands her ground fantastically this whole time: "But then the townspeople will chase him into the cranberry bog. How do you win in that scenario?"
Jackie: "It is worth it just to watch you squirm. Plus, I'll pick up the pieces and we'll go somewhere they don't know or care about his flagrant abuse of power and pedophilia. I hear the Cathol..."
Aria: "This isn't over! But I have to go to a wedding -- and, incidentally, try to find the chopped-up pieces of my therapist -- right now, so fuck off."
Jackie: "Okay. I will just be generally menacing until you can clear your schedule. But then I will be all over you. Cute dress!"
Aria: "I know, right?"

GLOBAL POSITIONING SATAN

GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "No, GPS Lady, I have to go to the church. It is going to be a fucking trainwreck."
GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "Technology always gets you! If it's not the GPS, it's the nannycams or the hacked phones or mysterious graveyard movie screenings or haunted fashion shows or..."
GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "In almost every episode of this show, there's eventually somebody lurking in my backseat. I really hope that's not what's... GAH! Why did I stop drinking?"