Previously: Girl-kissin', werewolf-showerin', flute-playin', bag-switchin', Alison-throttlin', arrested-gettin'.

The Liars tell their stories separately to the cops about what happened on the video, in a literal fashion, and then all of the other facts. As ever, the authorities are like, "Ian was a poster boy for preppies, he wouldn't have dated that horrible Alison." Spencer's like, "Well, he certainly never molested me all over the place." She does this dressed as a toy soldier from that Keanu Reeves movie.

All the Pretty Little Moms -- and Byron -- commiserate about how their daughters have been screwed by A once again, as do the Liars; the girls all agree that Spencer shouldn't have told them about Ian teaching her to golf, and then a cute little cop comes up like Dewey from Scream or Chris Pratt in Jennifer's Body about how he's practically their age, but now he's a cop. This is Garrett, a doe-eyed dude who looks exactly like every other guy on this show, but in a cop uniform.

Grizzled Senior Detective: "You know those girls?"
Garrett: "My parents lived down the street from Emily Fields, just like apparently everybody on this show somehow, so I'm implicated in everything, just like apparently everybody on this show somehow."
Grizz: "Glad to hear it. Let's nail these children to the wall."
Garrett: "Sir."

Back home, Spencer's parents have finally noticed that she is deranged, and have decided to send her to therapy. You keep framing your brother-in-law for murder all the time, like once a week, people are going to notice. Plus, Melissa knows how to throw a ten-ton shit-fit better than anyone on this show. Spencer shrinks down to the size of a thumb and feels wretched, which is like chum in the water for Melissa to appear out of nowhere and take a few whacks at her head like a piñata, and then blame the whole thing on Spencer's need to have all the attention. I love this, the noir paranoia of this storyline. Every time. It's like Body Snatchers meets Rear Window meets Serial Mom. Except for our strong Spencer weeping desperately, because that, I cannot handle at all.

It used to be that Paige was the one calling Emily all the time, but with her random behavior having activated Emily's Prime Directive -- Thou Shalt Love The Shit Out Of The Craziest People In Town -- the tables have turned and now she's the one avoiding Emily. Emily's like, "Is this because you kissed me in the middle of your ongoing psychotic break?" Paige doesn't even know what a "kissing" is, dude. She tells Emily to forget the whole thing, and Emily's mouth says okay but her fevered brain is like, "Well, now I'm going to be stalking you. So get ready for that."