Pretty Little Liars
Person Of Interest

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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How We Quit the Forest
e. Because she is jealous for no reason, but also because too much Jenna Talk will reveal the Jenna Thing, Aria raises her voice. And her eyebrows. It's totally awkward, and also their most realistic conversation.

Hanna constructs a tent in the woods, builds a campfire, kills a stag for their food using only her hands and a stick she's carved into a knife, and then forages for nuts and berries. Caleb watches her, astounded, because she is usually such a princess and the only time she gets dirty is when people are running over her in cars. A bizarre owl-hoot prompts Hanna to be super weird: "Owls do that when they dive for prey!" she says, and he just stares at her because this is a side of Hanna nobody has seen. Finally Hanna comes clean.

Hanna: "I learned survival skills at fat camp, where I went for being fat before I discovered bulimia."
Caleb: "TMI."
Hanna: "I've seen your wang. This is me 'throwing down.'"
Caleb: "Okay, well, my mom disappeared when I was five and still just a werecub. When I was ten, she sent me a birthday card which should have enraged me but instead made me happy. This is why I am obsessed with Flagstaff Arizona."
Hanna: (Determines that she is about to lose her virginity in the woods.)

Emily comes back from the bathroom to see Paige onstage being epically dorky and singing karaoke of P!nk, all of which cannot be satisfactorily described on paper because it is too amazing. Eventually the entirety of the crowd gangs up on Emily, forces her onstage, and they sing together. The equivalent of two lesbian dates. Plus the bonus of it being a P!nk song, because that lady is so gay she went through gay and came out the other side.

Spencer and Toby have the Scrabble equivalent of sex, and then he tells her to take off her military uniform and let those puppies breathe. (He does this in a totally hipster "j/k not really" way that manages to fall just on the side of cute and not fully weenish.) Luckily, he has brought pajamas for everybody; even luckier, he blasts his insane body in the bathroom for about fifteen times as long as it takes a normal person to change clothes, and Spencer drinks this vision of him like it is vodka, and she is Hanna.

SIMULTANEOUSLY

1. Emily finally plants one on Paige, because in Pennsylvania singing P!nk karaoke is practically a civil ceremony. Miss Kitty Fantastico, your day has arrived!

2. Spencer looks at Toby for a long time, still working that bod even in his sleep, and eventually climbs into the motel bed next to him.

3. Caleb and Hanna have themselves, no lie, some extremely sweet -- and hot -- campfire sex. (Presumably, a station wagon is now going to tear through their campsite and take 'em both out. No happiness in Rosewood.)

4. While all of this is happening, a lady sings the most lesbian song: Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? Closed your eyes and trusted? Just trusted? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care!"?

Sarah McLachlan: "I gotta hand it to you, lady."

Next day, Paige texts Emily a misspelled invitation to a "picinic," which she plays off long enough to distract Aria with meaningless questions about Mr. Fitz. Why is she avoiding him, and his unending phone calls this Saturday morning? Well, because of that time we blew up that girl. I can feel secrets welling up in me, and even as the Almighty Shusher I do not know if I can Shush myself this time.

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Pretty Little Liars

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