Pretty Little Liars
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Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
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(It is heartwarming in the context of the scene, but also: PEOPLE, TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF ON TELEVISION, AS THOUGH WE ARE REAL PEOPLE. 2011 rules so fucking hard.)

Can I just say that this is one of the best-directed episodes of the entire series? There are so many amazing scenes in this one; so many emotional tones and setpieces and well-captured performances. Also, the last five minutes of this episode are every bit as scary as last week's tag.

ARIA TRIES

She stomps into Ezra's office looking hot as hell, locks the door, springs the biggest boner, and then jumps on him. She's wearing several rings that are the size of paperback books and probably feel like you're doing it with Wolverine, but points for trying. Ezra keeps trying to beg off -- probably because he's afraid to find out she has pubes like a grown person/isn't a Barbie doll down there -- but she is VORACIOUS and she will NOT BE AVOIDED because their relationship is SO VERY REAL.

Translation: Ezra, you are about to get dumped.

HANNA TRIES

Hanna: "Hey, motherfucker! I told you to leave Caleb the fuck alone! Back for more?"
Caleb: "Um, that guy is a PI and not a cop. He's trying to find me for my mom."
Hanna: "I cannot believe I didn't see that coming. I guess I should just tell you now that I threatened him repeatedly the other night."

POKERFACE? I JUST MET HER FACE!

Emily runs a high-stakes poker game for altbians, in which she apparently needs to teach everybody to play poker while giving them cupcakes. Emily stretches and delights in being the perfect host: Perhaps this, then, is who she will be. The sweet lesbian version of Alison, who will lead a pack of the hottest girls and bake them treats and have infinite friends.

A: "You have to hit on one of these girls and get her number before the end of the game, or else I will send your HGH results everywhere."

Oh, that's good. That's so good! Emily acting sketchy on girls, that's as bad as the time Hanna kept having to dance with Lucas. A was not kidding. Poor damn Emily.

HASTINGS

Veronica: "Nice to see you too, Spencer. I almost didn't recognize you after being gone the whole time you were being accused of extortion and murder and dealing with the aftermath of discovering your molester-in-law's corpse. Now what's this about your father burning a hockey stick? I don't really care, and I'm sure you're being neurotic, but it's so nice to hear your smoky voice after being gone for most of high school."
Spencer: "Why don't you care about the hockey stick getting burnt?"
Veronica: "He got nervous, I guess."
Spencer: "Nervous about what. That is a totally weird response. You know something."
Veronica: "No, I just think Ian was pretty clearly trying to frame you. Remember when you blamed Ian for everything? He's dead now, so I don't mind if we go back to that."
Spencer: "Fairly certain that Ian wasn't responsible for my frame-ups."
Veronica: "Insufferable girl! I have to go make suspicious phone calls where you can't hear me."
Spencer: "Okay, but why is everybody so pissed that Jason's back? Dad almost ripped their drunk mom a new one."
Veronica: "The tale of the Hastingses and the DiLaurentises is not one for tonight. Stop thinking. Turn off your brain. Danger zone. Gotta go."

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Pretty Little Liars

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