But Hanna's not done feeling made a fool of, by this foolish liaison: "This whole time, I thought I was helping you get over this Viking boy in Iceland. Who it turns out, doesn't exist." (JACKPOT! I LOVE THAT. I love that Hanna finally said it. Aria doesn't even protest at this point.) "I mean, I thought we were close. We tell each other everything!" Except for the tons of shit you guys are constantly not telling each other all the time, sure. Anyway, now Hanna is pissed and Aria's like, "I have literally fucked it up with everybody I know." I think Hanna will be sympathetic.
Spencer comes out to flirt with Alex about how she was in the bathroom line forever -- "Mona was spending quality time with her eyebrows" -- but Alex is strangely sullen. Seems she was upstairs just long enough for A to submit his application to the tennis clinic online and email him the confirmation. Which yeah, that looks bad. "Spencer, get real, okay? You and I want different things. And you say that you're okay with that, but you're not, and you never will be." Nice speech, actually.
Of course, Spencer is a stand-up chap and she's not going to play this game -- to push is human encouragement, it doesn't mean you disapprove -- so she just looks him level in the eye and says she did not send the thing, but that she's sorry if she made him feel weird about his choices. Alex, of course, runs away, because this is all his nightmares coming true, and you can't blame him, and A immediately texts Point, set, match! and then there's this amazing push on Spence's terrified face that is total '60s suspense.
Man, this A person will ruin some shit. Have you ever noticed that?
More boring Sean stories about skiing with Hanna, and more Lucas being totally awful, although the way he pronounces the word goofy is about as cute as anything Seth Cohen ever did. Key dialogue includes Mona going, "I think Hermie the Hermaphrodite needs a jumbo coffee!" while Lucas compares Sean to a "slobbering beast" and this hilarious impression of them where he's Sean as a St. Bernard going, "Let me get you drunk so I can lick your face," so eventually Sean really has no choice but to beat his face in, much to Mona's hilarious delight. And then Noel jumps in to save Lucas -- "It's like fighting a kid that needs a telethon!" -- and Hanna drags him outside.
Every time you think Noel's gonna zig, he zags. What a spell he casts. What great one-liners everybody's pulling tonight. Anyway, Lucas is gearing up for a major meltdown, and Hanna is like, "Are you here because of my spleen, or to start shit with Sean? Because it's not Sean you're mad at, which common mistake is one of the main stupid things about boys." He's all, "Breaking news, princess: Not everything is about you!" Um, except it is, and if it isn't, how come he cut her off and wouldn't answer her emails or be her friend after their fight?