Emily: "Hey Spence, where's page five?"
Spencer: "Did you forget to count again?"
Emily: "Um, that's Hanna. It's a hole in my stomach lining, not my brain. See? One, two, three, four, dot dot dot, six. Fill in the blank, you patronizing motherfucker."
Spencer: "WHERE IS PAGE FIVE?"
A-Tag: "Maybe it has something to do with my impersonating a corpse right there in the room with you!"
I told you! And then she throws the sheet at you slash the camera, and it's SO SCARY!
Next Week: We see if the whole Page Five thing even matters. I hope it does and I hope it's something amazing like, "the weapon was wielded by a blind left-handed woodwind player," and they'll be like GOTCHA, and then it's like, "...or a right-handed stoner related to the victim," and Aria will start crying and whining about how she unceremoniously dumped Ezra for no reason, but Spencer will still keep reading, "...or a black hipster lesbian in a blonde wig who is cult-susceptible," and the teddy bear in the corner will slowly rise up and out will come Maya, Christian wolf-bite chunks taken all out of her, and she'll shoo the girls out of the room and say, "Give me that pain cream, little lady. You got a lotta pain, and I aim to take it allll away."
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently also recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Desperate Housewives for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion.