ELSEWHERE IN THE HOSPITAL
Hanna cannot get over ulcers: What they are, how they work, who gets them and why. Unsurprising, considering she's always viewed her own body as a pet Chow that might go rabid at any time, but it's still annoying for Spencer, who views her own body as a collectible muscle car that requires constant maintenance and assessment.
Spencer: "Okay, why are you avoiding Caleb? Anything to get you off the ulcer thing. And get that face off your face, you're going to scare Emily if you look at her all grossed out and fascinated like that."
Hanna: "I am not talking to Caleb. Essentially I'm afraid I'll accidentally tell him that the cops are following him and noting his every move, and then he'll move away again."
Spencer: "Fuck the police, first of all. You have to know they're following you before you can start with your evasion techniques. And secondly, if you don't tell him you'll probably lose him anyway. To prison."
Hanna: "Telling Caleb about the cops is like telling my dad he has a fiancée. Either way, I lose. Hence my conundrum."
Spencer: "Girl, there is no conundrum because you can't argue the facts. Your dad already knows he's engaged, and Caleb is getting followed whether or not you tell him, so tell him. The end. I thought you stopped being crazy this season. Lord knows I didn't."
THE MARVELOUS MARIN MANSION
Tom: "Hey, Ashley. Shall we continue our delirious midlife folie à deux? It hasn't actually sent our daughter screaming over the edge yet."
Ashley: "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about that. You know how your fiancée is a dirty whore that stole a married man?"
Tom: "Yup! What of it?"
Ashley: "I sort of feel like the Her now."
Tom: "As it was explained to me by our daughter, I am still in love with you."
Ashley: "See, right there. I think maybe I've been a real asshole about this."
Tom: "I don't see why I can't have everything I want and just leave entire families in the wake of my selfish desires!"
Ashley: "That was the perfect thing to say. Have fun being married to a whore. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have all this wine to drink."
Tom: "I still don't get what the problem is, but okay."
Hanna: "Remember when I got hit by a car and was paraplegic for like a week?"
Emily: "I think that maybe lying to my parents has caused me this ulcer. It can't just be the stress of being constantly stalked and attacked by a dead girl, or else you guys would have ulcers. It's got to be something having to do with how I'm the only person out of the four of us who is actually a good person, and that means this big lie. So I better face up."
Aria: "Emily, to cheer you up I brought coffee! Delicious, deep rich bitter acidic coffee, so strong it's eating a hole in this cup!"
Hanna: Explains ulcers like she invented them.