Who was it, do you think, that first made the electric connection from puns to parenting? Oprah has those sayings that I use so often in real life, like how we teach people how to treat us, or when somebody shows you who they are, you should believe them. Not puns, though. Suze Orman is often pithy, and I am deeply in love with her, but not so much with the wordplay. Was it Dr. Phil? Because fuck that guy anyway. But I feel like this is not the first time that a parent has said to a child on TV one of these Suessian riddles for no reason. "How about instead of asking if you can drive the car, you ask me if the car can drive you, huh?" Heh, maybe Ashley did that.
Dad: "I know that I am having trouble grasping the enormity of your problems, Emmy. But I do know what it's like to lose somebody. Because of being in the Army."
Emily: "Yeah? How bad has a massage ever gotten for you? Have you ever been poisoned via prescription pain cream, or given a necklace made of human teeth? Do you know what it's like to be nearly drowned and then later sexually assaulted by the person you're still dating because they are the only option? Do you know what it's like to find yourself held hostage in both a cabin and a lighthouse on the same night by a cousin impersonator, who bind-torture-kills all your girlfriends? Do you know what it's like to kill that dude? How about dating Maya St. Germain, the worst person of all time, do you know what that's like? Have you ever found yourself trapped in a killer robot house with only your running shoes as a weapon? Have you ever been on a Halloween Train, a thing that is real? Did you ever accidentally roofie yourself and get driven around town and through entire other time periods, by a time-traveling blind girl? Or gotten punched in the boob by moonlight in a greenhouse, or forced to watch a sex tape in a cemetery of the dead girl you were in love with? Have you ever been tricked by a talking doll into inhaling carbon monoxide, only to be arrested for finding a shovel the second you return to consciousness? Because I have. Don't tell me my business, mister."
Dad: "I don't wanna be your gatekeeper, Emma. I wanna be your dad."
Emily: "First of all my name is Emily."
Hanna is still watching that Mona tape. Remember how Emily kept watching the Maya tape even though it was soo boring and Maya is soo awful? Like that. Finally Regina shuts the laptop and tells her to go to bed. You're not gonna solve the Mona problem tonight, baby girl. She's right. Save it for the morrow. Presuming Mona doesn't wake you up with a sudden knife attack, or makeover, or by doing spider-fingers on your elbow once you've fallen asleep, of course.