Or maybe "Stealing Journal Pages From A Journal Which Was Itself Stolen By A Janitor" is one of those heavy Rosewood crimes that'll get you the electric chair. Like "Aggravated Finding A Hole," or "Second Degree Leaving Brains Around."
Anyway, moving on, because the second they get outside, Meredith explodes.
Dad: "No, I hadn't heard because my daughter's phone somehow ended up in my jacket pocket. Thanks for telling me."
Emily: "Was that the Army t-shirt store, calling to tell you they have more Army t-shirts available?"
Dad: "No, your Civics teacher blew up."
Emily: "Meredith blew up?"
Dad: "You call her by her first name? How terrifying. These kids today. Anarchists."
Emily: "You're worried that I call the woman by her first name? The woman somebody, probably a student, just blew up."
For a moment, Daddy Fields thinks about squeezing a handful of rusty nails until blood goes everywhere. This is why the federal system of checks and balances was created, man. Then he says this amazing little sumpin' sumpin':
"Maybe we should stop fighting about why I won't let you out, and start talking about why you're not letting me in."
Who was it, do you think, that first made the electric connection from puns to parenting? Oprah has those sayings that I use so often in real life, like how we teach people how to treat us, or when somebody shows you who they are, you should believe them. Not puns, though. Suze Orman is often pithy, and I am deeply in love with her, but not so much with the wordplay. Was it Dr. Phil? Because fuck that guy anyway. But I feel like this is not the first time that a parent has said to a child on TV one of these Suessian riddles for no reason. "How about instead of asking if you can drive the car, you ask me if the car can drive you, huh?" Heh, maybe Ashley did that.
Dad: "I know that I am having trouble grasping the enormity of your problems, Emmy. But I do know what it's like to lose somebody. Because of being in the Army."
Emily: "Yeah? How bad has a massage ever gotten for you? Have you ever been poisoned via prescription pain cream, or given a necklace made of human teeth? Do you know what it's like to be nearly drowned and then later sexually assaulted by the person you're still dating because they are the only option? Do you know what it's like to find yourself held hostage in both a cabin and a lighthouse on the same night by a cousin impersonator, who bind-torture-kills all your girlfriends? Do you know what it's like to kill that dude? How about dating Maya St. Germain, the worst person of all time, do you know what that's like? Have you ever found yourself trapped in a killer robot house with only your running shoes as a weapon? Have you ever been on a Halloween Train, a thing that is real? Did you ever accidentally roofie yourself and get driven around town and through entire other time periods, by a time-traveling blind girl? Or gotten punched in the boob by moonlight in a greenhouse, or forced to watch a sex tape in a cemetery of the dead girl you were in love with? Have you ever been tricked by a talking doll into inhaling carbon monoxide, only to be arrested for finding a shovel the second you return to consciousness? Because I have. Don't tell me my business, mister."