Hold onto your ass, because I'm only going to say this once: Aria and Ezra, separately and as a couple, owned this episode. And that's not even the most fucked up thing that happened. Easy ones first.
Spencer and Caleb crack the password on Maya's website, revealing a lot of regulation Maya nonsense and also a scary video of her in the woods talking about scary things and then getting snagged by cops, the NAT Club, or something else that flashes red.
Oh, Spencer also gets a visit from Toby, who is just completely off the chain at this point, tearin' around with his hair all crazy, throwing actual "talk to the hand" hands at Hanna. I mean he's out of his damned mind after this Jason thing. It was spectacular.
Meanwhile, Hanna and Wren work to keep Mona from being transferred to upstate New York -- apparently freaking out on werewolves and smuggling roofies to stump-kickers is frowned upon -- and Hanna's heartfelt speech pulls it off. Then, because Wren's nonstop amazing face is close enough to kiss, she kisses him, like any normal human being would do, and they both react very Britishly and it's awesome. But I presume this is only happening because Caleb's back in the picture, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
The deal with Aria is that... okay, at some point they find Veronica's witness list and Aria randomly runs into this one guy on it, who saw Maya get in Garrett's cop car the night she died -- which I have no idea what night that was at this point because maybe she was just sitting around decomposing in her backyard for a minute -- but whatever, that's not the crazy part.
The crazy part is, Ezra's mom shows up in town and she is a bitch and she is from money. And, in fact, Ezra is from money and his real name is FitzGerald No Relation, so a li'l bit of his angst about money stops making total sense?
But then really, his whole personality makes a thousand times more sense now that we know all of this.
Mom takes Aria aside, calls her a bohemian and all kinds of things, reveals she knows the Montgomery Secrets, and then offers to buy Aria off so they'll break up and she can stop ruining his life at every turn. Even Byron has to admit that this is a harsh view and there's a sweet hug. With Byron Montgomery. It was bonkers, the whole thing was bonkers.
Not as bonkers as Emily's shitshow of a storyline this week, which involved her chasing Paige all over town to apologize for roofying her that time and Paige running around tipping over bicycles and whatnot, generally Paiging it up and finally Emily explains the situation of That Night and how she got roofied her own self and Paige is like, This is so embarrassing but since you brought it up, I totally sexually assaulted you that night. My bad.
Emily hangs out somewhere dumb with Cousin Nate -- who is clearly a bad guy, for real this time -- and then hangs out with him some more and you're like, "If she goes straight for dumb evil Cousin Nate..." but instead what happens is she's like:
Emily: "Cousin Nate, what if you got roofied and then showed up at a crazy girl's house who has tried to kill you dozens of times and she sexually assaulted you, but then told you it was just because she thought you were drunk, not that you'd taken a date rape drug while being kidnapped by six different people over the course of the evening." Cousin Nate: "Probably you were asking for it, that's how these things tend to work."
And Emily thinks about it for a minute, and then runs over to Paige's house and makes out with her! And they go swimming! Which I think is a metaphor for DOING IT!
All of this really happened!
Next Week: NOEL KAHN. I was going to say fuck it -- who cares after the mind-blowing extravaganza we just witnessed, but then I remembered NOEL KAHN. Very important. Very important episode next week. And then at the end of the month, Summer Finale time, which in grand tradition has a tweetable name: #thebetrAyal, because one of the many, many boyfriends in play right now is going to fuck everybody over. Which is exciting news for I, for one, have never been quite so in love with this, our perfect little show.
Wilden's still hot on the trail for Hanna's blood w/r/t the ankle bracelet of doom, but since her mother is apparently on a two-week bender, we've still got time for Veronica Hastings to get her off the hook. Apparently at her leisure, considering they've mentioned this task so many times that it's sure to screw Hanna somehow next week. Meredith, Byron's student-lover, may or may not be getting a job at Rosewood HS. Spencer and Toby covered up for Jason's little moment of falling-off-the-wagon, leading Toby to invent new kinds of emotions and how to show 'em. Emily accidentally roofied Paige, her former stalker, and Mona directed the Liars to Maya's personal website.
Spencer: "I don't suppose crazy slipped you the password as well?"
Hanna: "I hate when you guys are mean about her just because she stalked us and tried to murder us and drove us crazy and ruined our lives and families and reputations. It's just so petty."
Emily: "If anybody cares, I'm taking that dude who is pretending to be my dead girlfriend's cousin up to a remote area near a large haunted body of water. So if you never see me again, that's probably why."
Spencer: "I don't care about anything except this Website Page."
Emily: "Well, I've got some ideas about the password. Since she was my girlfriend for a whole cumulative five minutes."
Emily tries a single password, which, I don't even wanna know. Something about hats or marijuana, most likely. Whatever is insufferable, that's Maya's favorite word, so maybe she chose a shocker secret word like integrity or interesting or respect. Oh! Got it, it's Respeito! Obviously. But Emily does not know that word either, so whatever she typed in is wrong.
Emily: "Would it be entirely out of character for my single guess being wrong to send me into an emotional tailspin?"
Liars: "Gonna say no."
Emily: "Then consider my emotional breakdown well underway. Because of the fact that I didn't guess her password the first time I tried."
Byron: "Aria, if I try to talk to you are you going to run at me with your head down like a quarterback?"
Aria: "Not until I put my awful shoes on, bitch. What's up?"
Byron: "Do you still eat dinner?"
Aria: "I don't even live here, you douchebag. But I'll whip something up when I get home. Now if you'll just get the fuck out of my way..."