Hold onto your ass, because I'm only going to say this once: Aria and Ezra, separately and as a couple, owned this episode. And that's not even the most fucked up thing that happened. Easy ones first.

Spencer and Caleb crack the password on Maya's website, revealing a lot of regulation Maya nonsense and also a scary video of her in the woods talking about scary things and then getting snagged by cops, the NAT Club, or something else that flashes red.

Oh, Spencer also gets a visit from Toby, who is just completely off the chain at this point, tearin' around with his hair all crazy, throwing actual "talk to the hand" hands at Hanna. I mean he's out of his damned mind after this Jason thing. It was spectacular.

Meanwhile, Hanna and Wren work to keep Mona from being transferred to upstate New York -- apparently freaking out on werewolves and smuggling roofies to stump-kickers is frowned upon -- and Hanna's heartfelt speech pulls it off. Then, because Wren's nonstop amazing face is close enough to kiss, she kisses him, like any normal human being would do, and they both react very Britishly and it's awesome. But I presume this is only happening because Caleb's back in the picture, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

The deal with Aria is that... okay, at some point they find Veronica's witness list and Aria randomly runs into this one guy on it, who saw Maya get in Garrett's cop car the night she died -- which I have no idea what night that was at this point because maybe she was just sitting around decomposing in her backyard for a minute -- but whatever, that's not the crazy part.

The crazy part is, Ezra's mom shows up in town and she is a bitch and she is from money. And, in fact, Ezra is from money and his real name is FitzGerald No Relation, so a li'l bit of his angst about money stops making total sense?

But then really, his whole personality makes a thousand times more sense now that we know all of this.

Mom takes Aria aside, calls her a bohemian and all kinds of things, reveals she knows the Montgomery Secrets, and then offers to buy Aria off so they'll break up and she can stop ruining his life at every turn. Even Byron has to admit that this is a harsh view and there's a sweet hug. With Byron Montgomery. It was bonkers, the whole thing was bonkers.

BUT.

Not as bonkers as Emily's shitshow of a storyline this week, which involved her chasing Paige all over town to apologize for roofying her that time and Paige running around tipping over bicycles and whatnot, generally Paiging it up and finally Emily explains the situation of That Night and how she got roofied her own self and Paige is like, This is so embarrassing but since you brought it up, I totally sexually assaulted you that night. My bad.

Emily hangs out somewhere dumb with Cousin Nate -- who is clearly a bad guy, for real this time -- and then hangs out with him some more and you're like, "If she goes straight for dumb evil Cousin Nate..." but instead what happens is she's like:

Emily: "Cousin Nate, what if you got roofied and then showed up at a crazy girl's house who has tried to kill you dozens of times and she sexually assaulted you, but then told you it was just because she thought you were drunk, not that you'd taken a date rape drug while being kidnapped by six different people over the course of the evening." Cousin Nate: "Probably you were asking for it, that's how these things tend to work."

And Emily thinks about it for a minute, and then runs over to Paige's house and makes out with her! And they go swimming! Which I think is a metaphor for DOING IT!

All of this really happened!

Next Week: NOEL KAHN. I was going to say fuck it -- who cares after the mind-blowing extravaganza we just witnessed, but then I remembered NOEL KAHN. Very important. Very important episode next week. And then at the end of the month, Summer Finale time, which in grand tradition has a tweetable name: #thebetrAyal, because one of the many, many boyfriends in play right now is going to fuck everybody over. Which is exciting news for I, for one, have never been quite so in love with this, our perfect little show.