Tom & Ashley, coming home drunk at all hours: "It's so much fun fucking since we're not married anymore! And I'm glad no children live here that might be traumatized by what we're about to do all over the place!"
Emily: "Your house is ... Not like my house."
Hanna: "Great, right?"
Emily: "I mean, I'm guessing I could carry on an affair with like a Douglas Fir and your mom wouldn't notice, whereas my mother can psychically tell if I even think about boobs. On the other hand..."
Hanna: "-- Listen! They're doing it on the stairs! It's just like Christmas! Everything is going to be okay!"
Emily: "...Um. Can I borrow your iPod? And your night mask? And some of that Rosewood Amnesia that's going around?"
MIKE MONTGOMERY, MINOR MISCREANT
Aria: "Mike, you said you were going to stop robbing houses of their weaponry and decorative accents."
Mike: "The holy conflagration of my rage has only begun."
Aria: "You punched me in the boob! You stole sleeping bags!"
Mike: "Your boob asked for it! And I like sleeping!"
Aria, verbatim: "You stole from a blind girl!"
Mike: "No, from her boyfriend the cop. Along with a camera and GPS system that will provide you with clues in an upcoming episode, presumably. See, I was in there looking for a gun so I could take you out in your bed, followed by our parents, one night very soon, and..."
Aria: "-- Hold that thought. I have to call my best friend about the origin of this knickknack."
Spencer: "God, I love driving around with you getting absolutely nothing done, Garrett. It's almost like I'm a real cop!"
Garrett: "Fortunately for everyone, you will never be a real cop because your rap sheet is longer than everybody in the contiguous US besides Charlie Manson."
Spencer: "That dude? Amateur."
Mike Montgomery: "Oh, you're telling me."
Aria: "Spencer, I hope you're not hanging out with Garrett Reynolds, because he killed Alison and is fucking your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend/sister."
Spencer: "Garrett, can you take me home? All this terrified staring I'm doing has really tuckered me out. And apparently you're A or something."
Garrett peels back the zipper on his head to reveal a clown's face. No, a hockey stick. No, a decorative candleholder.