THE MOST BORING PARTY OF LIFE
Aria: "Mrs. Sleestak, I am an accomplished babysitter, you should hire me!"
The Curiously Familiar-Looking Mrs. Dr. Sleestak: "[Tone-deaf joke about a background check that's meant to convey her strong feelings for her baby but really just foregrounds how the Montgomerys should be pariahs.]"
Dr. Wolfrider: "Hey, where's your less off-putting child?"
Ella & Byron: "Mikey? Oh, he's become quite a horror lately. We joke that we should have killed him as a kitten! Just kidding. Frankly, we're pretty sure he's going to murder all of us in our beds. More Pinot?"
Ezra: "Professor Montgomery, hello..."
Byron: "Ezra, just call me Magister."
Ezra: "Okay, Magister. I brought you the gross cheap scotch that you like. How did I find that out? I asked the local liquor store owner and he immediately knew which one to give me. What that means is that you are an alcoholic, okay?"
Aria: "Oh no, Jason's arrived! Ezra, don't pay any attention to Jason! Jason, don't pay any attention to Ezra! It's so awkward right now! You guys, isn't it so awkward?! Stop fighting over me! God, this is so weird! Isn't it so weird? I said, 'ISN'T THIS SO WEIRD YOU GUYS?'"
MORE LIKE PENALTY FOX, AM I RIGHT?
Spencer: "A hockey stick?"
Toby: "Yeah. It was all splintered and bloody and weird, like a murder weapon, and then your dad ran off with it like a Labrador."
Spencer: "It's a family trait. We fucking love evidence, what can I say."
Toby: "Oh, and your name was written on it. I probably should have mentioned that upfront."
Flashback Spencer: "Fine, I'll teach you to play field hockey but that doesn't mean I'm your lesbian girlfriend."
Flashback Alison: "Never said you were."
Flashback Spencer: "Because that's the only reason you'd be into this. You're not a frightening thoroughbred like my sister and I. Clearly this is some creepy bisexual scam or plot."
Flashback Alison: "She sounds like she's onto something, doesn't she Emily?"
Flashback Emily: (Crawls inside her own shirt and refuses to deal.)
Spencer: "Aria, do you remember that inconsequential conversation we had two years ago about field hockey?"
Aria: "How on earth do you expect me to remember that when every single episode we misplace entire plotpoints and objects and forget them entirely."
Spencer: "Remember, though? You were wearing that giant pink bow as big as your head?"
Aria: "That's right! Attached to one thigh, gotcha. Yeah, I totally remember... Wait, you're not saying that's the same hockey stick with your name on it that was found in the same yard as that flashback, are you?"
Spencer: "Girl, this is crazy! What is the likelihood of my stuff with my name on it being at my house?"
Aria: "I'd love to join you on this short jaunt into crazy, but all my boyfriends are at my house with my parents and it's getting soo awkward, you wouldn't believe it, I'm like the main character of some movie about a beautiful, precocious girl with 1,000 boyfr..."
Spencer: "-- Just do your flashback already. Jesus."