SADNESS OF ALL KINDS

Aria gets tired of standing around looking stupid, so she sits down to look stupid on a bench.

Emily nods at Spencer, who's crying beautifully in her bedroom: It is done. A ghost ninja broke my arm, and then my girlfriend broke my heart. Via a teen lesbian.

Ezra stonefacedly listens to Aria's obsessive, pathetic voicemails, and... Deletes them! Awesome! When did Ezra get hot, they'll ask, and the answer is: Today.

Aria grows old on that bench, turns slowly to stone. Birds settle on her. Nobody can tell.

LIES MY PARENTS TOLD EACH OTHER

Ashley finds the blender in the garbage, and Hanna confesses that she had a fight with Caleb that apparently involved ruining the blender. Ashley doesn't really inquire further about that.

Hanna: "Did you keep a secret from Dad?"
Ashley: "Comparatively less, I suppose, but I did keep a few things to myself. Like he repainted our bedroom one time..."
Hanna: "Anything bigger? Or less self-aggrandizing?"
Ashley: "Your dad's best friend Steve Anderson hit on me. I told Steve I'd tattle if he tried that shit again, but I knew it would just hurt your dad if I told him, so it was easy to decide. What's the big secret you're keeping from Caleb? Did you lie to him? Or was it to save him?"
Hanna: "Yeah, I can't really talk about it with you either. Plus I have a date with my gay stalker, so..."

ROSEWOOD GENERAL

Toby: "Hey, Dr. Wren. Hear you been fucking my girlfriend."
Wren: "I thought you guys broke up, sorry. Spencer certainly said she dumped you."
Toby: "My right arm still works, motherfucker."
Wren: "...I'll go. Cheerio!"

BUT WHAT OF NOEL KAHN?

Mona: "I love that we can use fake IDs to drink shots and talk shit about Noel Kahn."
Hanna: "Uh oh. Looks like our table's been taken..."

Noel Kahn and Jenna! Are having dinner at the restaurant! Mona stares and gets weird and cold and awesome and tells Hanna to blow it off, because she thinks that Hanna is feeling sorry for her, when in fact that answer is so much more awesome. Hanna runs, and Mona stares a hole in the glass. Dude! That is great. Noel Kahn deserves to have that be his big issue: Shall I date Mona Vanderwaal, or Jenna Thing? They're both crazy as shit, but then so am I.