The new Jason DiLaurentis is glamorous and chin-dented, with an eerie resemblance to his dead sister. It turns out that A has animal familiars that she's using to investigate his yard, but he's onto her and will be building a fence. A fence, I'm saying, to keep out A's animal servants. Seems Alison buried yet more mysterious shit in her yard, because apparently all Alison ever did is squirrel shit away, all over the universe, with the single-minded fervor of a Dust Bowl widow.
What else... Oh! Probably the best Ezria episode of all time. There's much montaging (including the Weepies!) about Aria's ambivalence toward her pedo boyfriend, his new job at college, his responsibilities, and Jackie Molina, but eventually he delivers a heartfelt last-day speech to the children in his care that is both super sweet and also totally fake, because it's really an apology to Aria for the (as usual) nothing he did wrong.
At the last second, the sun breaks through their rainy-day pathetic fallacy and she kisses him in the parking lot, and it is just gorgeous. I mean that. If that scene were an advertisement for literally anything, I would buy whatever it was. I can honestly say I haven't felt that much like a teenage girl in my entire life, but somehow in the course of that scene I, too, knew what it was to make out with an authority figure in a high school parking lot. And to enjoy it.
Otherwise, everybody's stressing out about how they're not allowed to see each other. Or at least, that's what they think. In fact, what they are doing is hanging out the entire episode while complaining about how they're not allowed to hang out. Beyond the Ezra stuff, there is a lot of other distracting mess happening:
Hanna's affianced Dad is back in town, putting her mother Ashley on a sexy, hilarious Red Alert. She vents a great deal of spleen on her dad, to the point where when Mona comes back begging for forgiveness -- and Hanna's technically friendless, of course, at this time -- Hanna has no ire left for her. Mona is looking fly these days, BTW.
Spencer's sister Melissa is skulking about, on pregnant bed-rest, but still sneaking away on foot to visit what we assume to be Ian's hiding place. As usual, Spencer is torn between a harsh love of Melissa and total mistrust, which makes for wonderfully tense scenes that make her moments with Toby all the sweeter. Toby, on the other hand, is having one shitter of a week: He's going GED so he can earn enough money to get away from his House of Horrors, but gets fired on day one for his Boo Radley reputation.
Emily gets scouted by a college recruiter, who says she needs to stay in Rosewood to get a scholarship. With new girlfriend Samara in tow, she basically decides to forge an offer letter to fool Pam into going along with it. I'm sure that will end well.
In the middle of all of this, Aria surprises an intruder at Spencer's house and gets the shit kicked out of her, but because it's Aria -- secretly the most hardcore one of them all, thanks to her solipsism; shielded by the fact that this isn't related to Ezra and is thus completely irrelevant -- she just keeps on truckin' and barely remembers to mention it to anybody else. It is just not part of her agenda.
Most importantly of all, Mona has been dumped by Noel Kahn. Let's get a moment of silence for that. I hope she recovers, although I don't see how she possibly could.
Everybody stands around in that greenhouse feeling weird. Somebody might be on top of it, shaking trees and causing dirt to fall on the glass roof, which is very scary. Perhaps it is a commercial for auto insurance into which they have blundered. They stare at each other for awhile, discussing last week's episode and how they are not allowed to hang out with each other and thus will be hanging out with each other precisely the same amount as usual, then go running out into the night.
Because it still seems impossible to understand where everybody lives, even after an entire season, it only seems right that Spencer's greenhouse is next door to the Old DiLaurentis house, the Hastings barn and house, Emily's house, a few graveyards, a forest, a cliff, a river, some treestumps, the Cavanaugh house, the Town Square, and the Rosewood Grille.
Liars: "Why is Jason lurking about in the yard of Maya's house?"
Liars: "It's because he lives in that house now, all alone."
Liars: "Why is he throwing out all that memorial tribute stuff people kept leaving for their dead sister?"
Liars: "Possibly because it makes Toby feel weird, but more than likely it's because he's a DiLaurentis and thus damaged far beyond our mortal ability to comprehend."
THE BIG BREAKUP
Hanna: "Mom, you clearly do not believe in therapy, so why do I have to?"
Ashley: "Because you are an absolute mess, my darling."
Hanna: "True enough."
Ashley: "Also, your father heard about the corpses hanging from the trees and how you lied to the cops and are going crazy, so he sent you a Best Buy gift certificate."
Hanna: "He may be my daddy but he ain't my father."
Ashley: "We're a good team, you and I. Healthy choices. But seriously, he's bringing the carnival of his new life back to Rosewood to make things irritating for you."
Hanna: "I will act out most gloriously."
Ashley: "I approve. Meanwhile, I will be sleeping with your father. Wrecking lives is what I do."
Pam Fields: "Emily, sorry but your time is up. Somebody just offered to rent our house for an entire year."
Emily: "I don't ever complain, so consider this face a substitute."
Pam: "I know it's hard. But it's not mean."
(What a great line! Parents should add that one to their repertoire, stat. It explains the entire world.)
Pam: "Additionally, I'm sorry that you have to leave your cell phone on the dining room table when you're at home so I can monitor your discussions."
Emily: "Mom, I'm on the phone right now with everybody else."
Parentless Aria: "Ezra, I can't talk to you right now."
Ezra: "Come to my apartment and we can talk later, after I meet with the department heads of my new employment."
Aria: "...And Jackie Molina? Is this one of those sex meetings?"
Ezra: "Aria, sometimes you befuddle me."
Aria: "My father got laid more at the university than he ever did at home. I'm working from a reality handicap here."
Ezra: "Like I'm going to show up anyway."
Melissa Hastings: "Spencer, look at the ultrasound of my devil baby!"
Spencer: "Is it a boy?"
Melissa: "No! Those are the horns!"
Spencer: "I would have gone to the appointment with you. I love pretending that you're my sister and we love each other."
Melissa: "I'm going to be hanging around in the living room from now on, waiting for my dead husband to text me."
Spencer: "In one way, that puts a crimp in my plan of spying on you all the time. In another way, that might work."
Melissa: "Try this tea I got from my OB-GYN. It's got tannis root!"
Spencer: "It has a funny undertaste."
Mona continues to bring her total A-game to Season Two. What a delightful person she has become to watch! I predict big things, Ashley Tisdale-sized things, for Janel Parrish.
Mona: "Big A! Let's chat, girlfriend!"
Aria: "I am not your friend. I am not Big. I am in a pickle right now."
Mona: "I have two quick favors to ask you for. Number one, please help me pick out a goodbye present for Mr. Fitz. I plan on breaking some knees to get the money, which is like my dream job, but I'm not sure what he would want."
Aria: "Mr. Who? Why on earth would I know?"
Mona: "Because you are fucking him. Number two, I got dumped by Noel Kahn and I think I might kill myself. Could you hook me back up with Hanna?"
Aria: "I am not talking to Hanna right now, except to talk about how we can't talk."
Mona: "How come?"
This part is amazing: